We're More Alike Than You Know

Stephanie M. Evanko, 32

February 25, 2017

Stephanie M. Evanko, 32, of Lancaster, PA, passed away on Saturday, February 25, 2017 at the Lehigh Valley Medical Center, following at 17 year struggle with addiction. She is now at peace in the arms of Jesus.
Born in Lancaster, she was the daughter of Stephen and Mechthild Oetzel Evanko of Lancaster.
She had a big and caring heart, was an animal lover, and was very proud and dearly loved her daughter, Savannah.
She also loved to read, write poetry and believed deeply in her Christian faith.
Stephanie was a 2002 graduate of Penn Manor High School.
In addition to her parents and her daughter, Savannah, she is survived by her sister, Christien married to Jack Steele of Lancaster and by her niece, Allison, and nephew, Jack, along with aunts and uncles from the US and Germany.
Author: Stephanie Evanko (wrote 04/29/2013)
To My family and Friends: I’m sorry that I’m such a Mess, I deserve all the evil words spoken to me, and all the time I’ve been disappointed. I don’t know what to even say. I hope that I’ll change and once again be okay. I do all the things I say I won’t do, my dreams & goals (YEAH). I threw them away too. I always claim that I’m a Mother, when in reality I act like a child, and constantly chase “ONE MORE” another. Every time I look into Savannah’s eyes, my heart breaks more because of all the lies, I hate the person that I have become, running from life and wanting to be numb. I ask myself over and over what will it take, I can’t keep living this way, not only for me but for my daughter’s sake. “Mommy was a drug addict and that why she is Dead” my daughter will say, along with broken memories of me in her head. She’ll go & visit my grave and constantly question just why I couldn’t behave. Didn’t I love her, wasn’t that enough making her feelings and trying to be tough. The holiday will come year after year & pass after I die, all because I was selfish & wanted to get high. My parents will raise her and try to do it right, they’ll try their hardest & put up a good fight. All sorts of emotions my mother will feel, and at time ask herself can this be real? Everyday she’ll feel anger and sorrow, trying to reassure my daughter there’s always tomorrow. My father would probably be filled with regret, and do things with Savannah he didn’t do with me, until all his goals are met. My sister would be disappointed & cry, she’d pray to God for the answers to Why? My brother-in-law would be the backbone, and hold his family when they sob & they moan. I’m so ashamed to even claim I’m a Mother, all I’m really worried about is can I get “ANOTHER”.
If Stephanie’s words touch one person’s life, her life will not have been in vain.
I found this post today and her words touched my heart. They haunt me actually because  I've had some of the same  thoughts and have said  some of the exact things.  My heart  goes  out to her daughter  and parents.  Her life didn't  need  to end so soon. She would have been  in her teenage  years when her problems started.  There's  more  to the story that we will never know. No-one  becomes a drug abuser for the fun of it there's  Always  another  reason.  I pray that she found the peace  she was searching  for.