7-16-17 Hard Realities

A reality is the world or state of things as they actually exist as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.
In the end, I always manage to hurt and disappoint the people I love. I go out of the way to push them away and destroy the relationship. Why is that? That's total insanity. Out of all the relationships of my lifetime, I can count the number of intact ones on one hand. If I were a psychopath I could understand it. But I don't derive any pleasure from hurting others.Am I 'm certainly not superior to anyone if anything I'm defective.So What's wrong with me? Depressed ok but that excuse is getting really old really fast. Live in the present. I don't like the present or the past.So change it. To What?Please don't tell me I need something I already have like Jesus or family or friends.People kill themselves because they feel Despair, Hopelessness,  Nothingness. Pain and sorrow can be fixed. You can't fix Nothingness. It has to be replaced with Something but what. Love? Ok love for what or whom? God, family, coconut cream pie, M&M's? Love whatever gets you through the day one day at a time. Maybe it's like being an Alcoholic I know about that. You start with minute that turns into an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, etc. You have to want it. Want it more than anything else in life. That's the only way it works. And then you're still tempted. Just one time it won't hurt. You're stronger now you can deal with it.Who's going to ever know? You see I've been tempted with that also over the past several months. When it rains it pours. So have I found an answer?


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