7-22-17 True Identities

I n school we start to form the identity of who we are. In the 8th grade, I was on the student council and school safety patrol. The kids from the other Waldensian families had always looked their nose down on our family but it was ok fuck them too I didn't need the snotty little bastards.The bomb shelter exploded and our classmate was killed and the school year ended. That summer I was raped by a stranger while on summer vacation.My life and identity would be changed forever. The next two years in ninth grade would be a pure living hell for me of alcohol and drugs. My brother was in Viet Nam and mom and dad were oblivious to what was going on.In school, there were the jocks, nerds, Jesus crowd, hippies, better than everyone else, and the undesirables. I chose the undesirables to run with. They made their own rules and didn't take any crap from anyone. I might go to school once or twice a week and skip the rest of the time. The school would call mom and I would catch hell when I got home but I didn't give a damn. The truant officer threatened to take me to court and I told him to go fuck himself.He never made good on his threat. I would end up going to court but not for that.I wonder sometimes how I managed to make it through those years. I was along. I had deserted God and all of his promises.mom just bitched at me all the time and dad never said anything. I had no clue of who the hell I was or where I was headed.I just wanted to stay numb and pain-free. I think that's where the nothingness started for me.East Burke high had opened and they graduated me from the ninth grade just to get rid of their problem I think. At East Burke, I would reinvent my outward identity and be on the top again as far as I was concerned. My true identity on the inside would remain the same. I was still that broken, hurting child that I was years before. The alcohol and drug abuse would continue and worsen but I was a cool kid now so it didn't matter.I became one of the sob's that I disliked so much.If I didn't want to be bothered by you I would just dismiss you. I remember today all of the names and faces of all the girls who tried to get close to me and I just threw their friendship back in their faces as if they were nothing.   I was happy in my own little hell of my own making. All of my relationships would fail and I would try to commit suicide twice before things changed for the better. I try to forget those days but then I end up repeating the same behaviors because the root problems were never solved just hidden.