7-20-17 Reflection Time

Once a week I go see my doctor and for an hour I sit and rant and rave and swear about the terrible childhood I had and all the injustices that life has dumped on me. I talk about family, religion,  feelings, emotions, anger, hurt, search for truth, and life in general. He quietly and patiently listens to me as I bear my soul both good and ugly. He endures the weeping and other emotions that I throw at him. I can be the true me I don't have to hold anything back. All the dark secrets and ugly things that I have done in my life are brought to light. After I'm done he quietly and gently redirects all of my toxic energy to what I am really telling him. I'm searching for the connection that I never had as a child.  I want to be loved and connected to the people I love. I want to be needed and share my life with others. I'm angry that I never could do that growing up. I take that anger and direct it at others and myself. I'm really not a bad person I just need to learn to love myself my good and bad. I can't change others. I am my own best friend if I will allow myself to be. All easier said than done but it's a starting place.

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