7-14-17 Friday morning thoughts

Friday morning. I've been thinking all night. I didn't finish my thoughts from last night. My Doctor says that I've spent my whole life trying to find other people to fix me instead of fixing myself. How do you fix yourself if you can't figure out what's wrong? I've never really lacked anything in life other than being showed affection as a child. I've had plenty of people in my lifetime offer their love to me only to have me reject it. Why? Am I incapable of accepting love? I've watched many people die. I have been with them when they take their last breath. Most people cling to life to the very last minute to the very last second until death takes them.I'm not afraid of death.I even sometimes fantasize about it. I've imagined my death many times. I wonder why life doesn't have the same effect on me. I live to serve others. That used to bring me contentment but now it's just a chore like any other daily activity that I have to do. Where did things go wrong? Have they always been wrong and I just didn't realize it? I cried as I wrote last nights post. That was the first time I've cried since I left the hospital. Shirley asked me if I'm feeling better. What does better feel like? I don't know. I wonder why other people commit suicide?  What drives them to be the point of no return? What makes them hate life so much when other people will do anything to keep living. I'm not sure how I feel about life. From a practical side, I need to stick around as long as there are people who need and depend on me. That gives me a purpose in life. Maybe my happiness will be in the next life. I can't seem to find any in this one.

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