7-21-17 The Winds of Change

This is the the most difficult post that I have written so far. It involves people I love and I'm conflicted in being private but I need to be honest to myself while not causing any pain to those I love. My relationship to my daughter's mother ended badly and that was my fault no one else's. I never was able to apologize to her in person and to be honest in explaining why things ended the way they did. She passed away before I could do that. In fact I never knew that she had passed away until my daughter told me. I had unresolved feelings for her even after all of these years. I needed to mourn her death. I've visited her graveside several times and talked to her and expressed my feelings and regrets. I can't change the past. I wish I could. All I can do is make the best possible peace with it that I can. When I reunited with my daughter this year after many years of being apart I saw her in my mind as that little girl that I never knew. I wanted to image all the things in her life that I had missed. That was my fault also mine alone. She's now a grown adult with her own children. I soon realized that I had to mourn the loss of that little child that I never knew because I could never get her back to relieve those days. That has been the hardest part for me. I've cried myself to sleep in silence many nights and dealt with so much guilt. But again I can't change the past. All I can do is let go of the things I can't change and cherish what I have now. I can love her for the person that she is now. I can celebrate the person she is now. I can get to know the person she is now. I have three wonderful grandsons that I can get to know and share my love with.It's been a difficult time for me so many mixed emotions and feelings to process and understand. No one ever said life was going to be easy. Why do we make it even more difficult on ourselves?

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