Showing posts from July, 2017

7-31-17 Goodbye

Tonight is family visitation for Marshall and tomorrow is his funeral. I had thought about going to one of them. I have decided to go to neither. It's not because I didn't value our friendship. I do and I celebrate his life. He was a good man. I'm not ready to say goodbye and move on. When I'm ready I know where to find him and I will and express my feelings. It took me fourteen years before I was ready to say goodbye to my mother. I don't think I'll be visiting any graveyards in the near future. I don't seem to find any positive answers there.

7-31-17 Heritage

I went on a quest this year to explore my heritage. I thought that perhaps I had missed something or had misunderstood or remembered incorrectly. So I started digging and pulling old skeletons out of the closet. I couldn't understand why the rest of the family wasn't excited about my discoveries. I did find some fond memories of family members. And I learned some things about myself that answer some of my questions. For the most part what I found was even more disturbing than what I originally remembered. I had never realized how deep and broad the dysfunction really was. I kinda feel sorry for our family. Anyway, my quest is over the family tree is done and the family website is complete for history sake. My love affair with Valdese and its people is over. I understand my Waldensian heritage and why I never was connected to it. I should be sad but I'm not instead I just feel unconcerned and disinterested.  I still hope that the younger generations will explore their ances…

7-30-17 Promises Made are Promises Broken

Your words of steel still echo in my memory

You said goodbye and broke this heart inside of me
Teardrops fell like hours to eternity
The room was silent as some forgotten melody
Your words of steel still echo in my memory

Promises made, promises broken
Promises made, promises broken

I thought we had a chance to really make it last
Now the future looks to me like some unwelcome guest
I'll be alright as soon as I get over you
But this time it won't be such an easy thing to do

Promises made are promises broken
Promises made always cause pain
Promises made are promises broken
Promises made, promises broken

Caught up in the sorrow, tangled in dreams
Ooh, in the lonely hours, the silence screams
And in the heart of the darkness, I break down
I feel the spirit of you all around

Promises made are promises broken
Promises made always cause pain
Promises made, promises broken
Promises made always cause pain
Promises made are promises broken
Promises made, promises broken

1987 Tiffany
This would become one of my …

7-30-17 Habits and Promises

Human beings are creatures of habit. We do things over and over again no matter what the consequences are to ourselves and to others. Back in the day when I drank alcohol, I would drink until I puked or passed out. Most of the time I would both, I would swear to God never to drink again only to repeat the same thing over again the next day without any regards to the consequences to myself or anyone else who might cross my path. Shirley asked me to promise her that I would never consider or attempt suicide again. I thought and simply answered her with I promise that I will do my best and I am here today. I know myself well enough not to promise anything more than that. Statistically, the odds are that it will happen again and that the next time will be fatal. It might be tomorrow or it might be twenty years from now but it probably will happen. The person who built and lived in the house that we live in now committed suicide. He sat down under the big oak tree outside and ate lunch and…

7-29-17 Weekends

Well, I got the minimum amount of yard work done to keep Shirley off my back and it only took four hours. I took her over to the Humane Society to look for another fur baby to add to the family and she found a brother and sister pair of Shih Tzu that she now wants and has fallen in love with. How and why do I always manage to do this to myself? I love dogs and I would love these two also but It's just not practical to add them to our existing family. And now I'm going to have to break Shirley's heart and say that we just can't do it. It breaks my heart but I have to think about what is best for everyone including the dogs.I do hope and believe that they will find a loving home that will care and give them the love they need.

7-29-17 Replacements

Have you ever noticed how quickly people are replaced after they die? At work, they replace you before you are even placed in the ground. That should be a lesson for those who value work above everything else. When Gismo died I took Shirley to the shelter the very next day and we got Buddy. Gismo could never be replaced but his passing left a void that I needed to fill for me. I went on to grieve Gismo's death but I had Buddy there to love and it made life tolerable. People are harder to replace. I haven't been able to do it yet. I've tried but it just doesn't work. We file their memories away in own minds and hearts and we remember maybe when a certain song is played or on a special day or holiday. Sometimes late at night when we can't sleep we can hear their voices and see their faces and smiles and we remember. I hope that I will always remember. I hope that others will always remember me. I promise that I won't try and replace you.

7-29-17 Mind Games

This is one of those posts that will make you say WTH and where WTH did this come from. Some will even find it offensive so proceed reading at your own risk. It's been bugging me because while I was incarcerated in the nut ward people kept asking me the same question over and over again. The question was did you ever have any homosexual feelings or encounters after you were raped as a teenager. You would think that after you answered the question once they would just let it go. My answer was no. I did let women beat and torture me after that but that was related to another issue. I'm not a homophobe. I've had good friends who were homosexual. I used to go to David's H. house to crash when I was drunk and he would always kid and say Is there anything I can do for or to you? I would just laugh. I always wondered what he would have said if I had said yes lol. It's the fantasy of every young boy to wonder and imagine what it would feel like if they could suck their own…

7-29-17 Routines

My thought and reasoning process is different from other people I believe. It's more complex and requires that everything is simulated before it occurs in real time. My new partner is Deborah. She's has a totally different personality from Marshall.She keeps apologizing for things that she does and she's afraid of upsetting me. Yesterday I just told her,"Deborah the only thing that concerns me is getting here every day.Whatever happens, after I get here I couldn't care less". Her husband calls her a lot I guess he has issues because it sounds more like a mother talking to a child. Anyway, my little tv that I use at work broke about two months ago.The days that Marshall worked he would bring his tv and we would watch it.I don't really care about tv that much but it got to be a routine that we did every day.I guess he had bought two of them because he gave me the other one to replace the broken one I had and it's exact same model as his. I find myself f…

7-28-17 Life as Usual

Well it's been another hell of a week one I don't care to repeat anytime soon. I guess they had the memorial service for Judy today. Marshal's visitation won't be until Monday and Tuesday. So I get the weekend as an emotional break to get things done around the house and dogs to the vet for checkups. The house looks like hell and the grass needs cut and I just look the other way. I don't have the energy or the ambition to deal with it. Robert saw the doctor this week and learned that his days of driving trucks or working anywhere else are over. His health and his body are both worn out. It seems there's always drama in our household. I'm just glad June and July are almost over. I hope and pray that Fall will be more calm and peaceful. Reports say that August and September are going to be the beginning of the end. There was a time when I really would have been concerned  about such a thought but not any more. Whatever happens, will happen I can't do anyt…

7-28-17 How to be a Father

I normally pick the subject matter that I want to discuss with my therapist.Yesterday he did.He asked how things were going with my daughter. He opened the door so I went for broke. I expressed my fear to him that I would never be able to be a real father to her. He listened to my reasoning on the matter and then simply disagreed with my conclusions. He told me that I would become and be a real father. I wasn't in the mood to play twenty questions so I just asked him straight out. How? How can I be a real father after missing thirty-nine years of her life? He said it's quite simple. He told me I needed to get inside of her head and figure out what being a real father means to her.Then I need to let her inside of my head and do the same. After that, we can reach a common ground on what it's meant to be a real father as it applies to our relationship. I know what I think makes a real father. You are there for your child.Your children are the most important thing to you. You …

7-28-17 Simple Things

I honestly don't know what to say today. I just feel numb. I would just encourage everyone to enjoy the simple things in life that we experience daily. The warmth of the sun, a cool breeze, the smell of a fresh rainfall, the sound of birds singing. I'm thankful for my family who love me no matter what I say or what I do. For my dogs who love me for no reason at all. For the roof I have over my head at night and for the food I have plenty of. I'm thankful that I have good health insurance that I can afford and for the good doctors that I have been fortunate enough to have.  I'm so thankful that God has given me so many second chances to respond to him and follow his will even though I've been a disobedient child most of my life. I'm thankful that money or possessions are not the most important thing in my life. I haven't been a big family person most of my life but I'm trying to learn how to accept love from other people and my family and not feel guilty…

7-27-17 Life

It's been a bittersweet day today. Another death in my circle this week. I am saddened for their families and friends. I'm saddened for the personal loss in my life. I celebrate their lives and the memories they leave to us who remand.

7-27-17 Tricks of the Mind

Last night was a restless night but sleep finally came. It's funny what the mind thinks of when looking at death. I had taken Gismo to the vet earlier in the week and the labs were bad. He had almost zero white or red blood cells left. He was dying and we both knew it. I didn't have the heart to tell Shirley other than he was really sick.Friday came and I had to go to the Raleigh TSA office for some stupid meeting. I don't even remember why now that's how important it was. We went to lunch and all I could think about while sitting there trying to choke down some food was Gismo sitting at home not being able to eat. I prayed that he wouldn't die before I got back to Greensboro. Sunday afternoon he passed away in the arms of two people who loved him dearly. I have a doctor appointment shortly and while I usually look forward to going not today. It's going to be a painful hour as I say goodbye to another friend.I once had an older gentleman tell me that the worst …

7-26-17 God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change

It's with a heavy heart that I end this day. My friend is dying and there's nothing I can do but accept it. We spent a lot of time talking about everything. About 3 months ago in a conversation I said Marshall I don't think neither one of us will live to see next year he kinda looked at me and said you might be right. I don't know why I said that it was just a feeling I had. I will miss our conversations. He understood my black humor and would laugh at it. He really didn't need to be working and I told him many times to take his money and run and enjoy life while he could. I talked him into buying a bug out location in the mountains and he did take the family there on weekends and enjoyed it. I feel for his wife who is in poor health herself he was her solid rock just as I am to Shirley. He loved his son and grandson as he spoke of both frequently. He would go see his ailing elderly mother weekly at the rest home and loved and expressed concern for her.He was a goo…

7-26-17 To Know One's Self is to Heal One's Self

11 Ways Child Abuse Survivors Emotionally Self Harm ~ Lilly Hope LucarioMay 28, 2017 by 8 Comments There is a fairly good understanding in society about physical self harm – such as cutting, burning etc. But, there isn’t anywhere near as much insight and understanding, as to all the many ways child abuse survivors – emotionally self harm. The following are ways survivors of child abuse – harm themselves. Often completely unaware they are self harming. It is often not a deliberate act of self harm. When considering whether a behaviour or thinking is harmful, it is necessary to look at the result of it. Is there something negative occurring, as a result?  If there is, and the survivor keeps repeating it, then this is emotionally self harmful. I want to make it clear prior to anyone reading this – there is no judgementabout any of this. I am simply pointing out what I see are understandable – but unhealthy ways child abuse survivors harm thems…

7-26-17 Good Information to Know

How to Recognize and Overcome Childhood Emotional NeglectFebruary 18, 2016 • Contributed by Dhyan Summers, MA, LMFT, Topic Expert Contributor