7-22-17 Is Life Really So Bad

It's been nearly a month now since my ill fated attempt with the grim reaper. I'm back on planet earth and for the most part thinking rationally and clearly once again so it's time to take an honest look at the events leading up to and the day of what was to be my judgment day. I was going through a cycle.I was in a growing depressive state that started about sixty days prior.There were issues that had aggravated the depression. The reliving of past trauma, the anniversary of my mother's death, fathers day, my own shortcomings and disappointments, despair, hopelessness, sadness, nothingness were some of the factors. The final solution was a well laid out plan which I had conceived over of a period of time the actual date being the only variable. I was going to have someone else do the dirty work for me as I couldn't complete the task myself. I chose the place which would be isolated to minimize the danger to others. The rest is simply a narrative of the events. That morning I woke up and knew today is the day. I had breakfast and took care of the dogs and Shirley's needs. I wrote my daughter and told her I was probably going to the ER and may be gone for a few days and to please keep tabs on Shirley for me. Lunch time came and I went and got Shirley some lunch I wrote my daughter again asking her to offer a prayer for me that I had a decision to make. I gave Shirley her lunch and told her I was going out for awhile. I kissed her goodbye took my 9mm  from the drawer and left for Valdese. I drove the back roads to Valdese and was on auto pilot.I arrived at the cemetery and wrote one last Facebook post. I had decided not to write a note explaining why. Instead,    I would call and talk to a stranger and tell them the whys. I unloaded the gun and put two bullets back in and left it on the car seat. I walked through the cemetery and visited the graves of my loved ones I sat down on the bench near my parent's graves and called the suicide hotline. The first person I reached was a male and he put me on hold so I cursed and hung up on him. The second call a young female voice answered and that would become the fatal flaw in my plan. I became emotional while talking to her.We talked for about 30 minutes and she convinced me not to carry out my plan. I knew law enforcement would show up and they did and I was going to lock myself in the van and show them that I had a gun.I was going to attempt to leave at which point I knew they would try to stop me. I could point the gun at them or at myself but either way, they would have no choice but to kill me. In retrospect, I was manic and depressed at the same time I had not slept in five days and was agitated. Needless to say, it wasn't my appointed time to die. Instead, I forced myself with the assistance from others to go back into treatment for a curse that has followed me all my life since the age of 18. This was my third attempt at the final solution. The two prior were in my early years and were failed overdoses of alcohol and drugs. I can say now that I'm glad that I once again failed. The question now is not why I wanted to die but rather why do I want to live. I"m working on that it's a daily thing for me one day at a time. Are love and family the answer? Maybe I've never tried putting the two together until this year. I just not really sure how to go about doing it yet. I'm trying in my own simple way.I do have hope and I pray for the best outcome for everyone.