Sunday, July 16, 2017

7-16-17 Family

For some people family is the most important thing in their lives It gives purpose and meaning to life. I have never been a big family person.Growing I took care of my own emotional needs because I didn't receive any emotional support from my parents. I had a love hate relationship with my mother and no relationship with my father. I didn't give anything back to them in return. We were just a group of people that lived together. I guess that's why I can be cold to my family at times. I've grown up to be just like my parents. I've spent my whole life giving of myself to other people just not my family. I don't know if I can change I have made some progress and I've reconnected with my family roots but I still feel empty. The majority of the family I knew now lie in a graveyard. The past months I've spent a lot of time there looking for what I 'm not really sure. For just something, I guess anything that offers comfort and peace. I did find some peace and was able to get rid of some guilt and anger and hurt.I haven't found anything yet to replace the empty spot I created. My brother is nine years older than me so we never really developed a relationship either. He has a larger family than me so I hope his family life has been better. I don't think he had much of a relationship with mom and dad either. I don't think my parents had any kind of warm relationship with their parents either. What a fucked up family we all came from. The memorial stone states that the Waldensians came to Valdese to have a better life for their families and in the material ways I guess they did and maybe all Waldensian families didn't function the way mine did. For their sake, I hope not.  I did date a couple of girls from other Waldensian families in my youth and they were just as cold and indifferent as I was. Maybe it's a genetic trait. Anyway, maybe some good will come from all of it.  I hope my generation does better and breaks the cycle.

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