8-20-17 Sunday

When I met with my therapist last week I informed him of my plans to ditch all of the psychotropic drugs and return to using my number one drug choice alcohol. He strongly advised against it. I like him and I enjoy the time we spend together talking. He has given me many useful insights about myself and family. He has known me for six hours now. I have somewhat known myself for fifty-nine years. I think there are some areas that I might still know myself better in. I haven't found any other drugs that have worked any better other than Valium maybe. The side effects are a lot worse from the other drugs and the benefits are limited. Alcohol is a CNS depressant. It's not very useful for depression it fact it only makes it worse. It is useful however for mania if your body chemistry is correct. Mine is and alcohol relaxes me and gives me a sense of peace. The trick is to find the right dosage that achieves the desired results while maintaining control. I have a long history of abusing alcohol with devastating results so I know the risks are high. I also know the loss this time would be unbearable to live with should I fail to maintain control. So I'm kinda damned either way it's a matter of choosing the latter of two evils. It doesn't mean that I plan on drinking every day or while driving. I know better and I know not to even tempt fate by doing so. But if the need arises and I can't control the crazy any other way then I will treat the symptoms with just enough alcohol to take care of the problem. As with all other decisions in life I own the consequences.  

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