8-13-17 Hypocrisy at its Best

I was reading the story of the young girl whose father killed himself when she was twelve years old.I was thinking to myself how does a father do that to his child?Then it dawned on me that I was being a hypocrite. I was guilty of doing the same thing to my own family.I know that I'm sick. I have the worse kind of sickness. In order to live with it, I have to fight myself. I can't physically touch the illness or see it on a cat scan or MRI. There's no miracle drug to fix it. But I'm still responsible for whatever my actions may do to other people. How will Shirley feel when she goes to the morgue to identify my body?How will she live with the pain and emptiness my absence will cause? How will Dana feel? Will she think that I didn't love her enough to keep living?How will my Grandsons feel? I haven't spent that much time with them but they know I exist they know that I've told them that I love them and care for them. How would I feel if someone I loved did that to me?Actions have consequences am I so detached from reality that I can't see or feel that?It Hurts to lose a loved one under any circumstance. How much more it must hurt if the loss was needless and preventable. I can't imagine how it must feel wondering and waiting to receive a phone call or a knock on the door from the police to tell you that the worst has finally happened. And yet I'm willing to subject the very people I love to that kind of hell. What is wrong with me that I can't see all of this? What is it going to take to make me understand and change things? I'm trying God knows I'm trying. I don't know what else to do. If I could lock myself up or handcuff myself to something to ensure my safety I would but life doesn't work that way. I have to trust myself enough to do the right things and not do anything stupid that going to hurt the people I love. So far that's been my saving grace at the last moment. I hope it continues to be a deterrent to any bad outcomes.  

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