8-19-17 Internal Conflicts

It's been a pleasant afternoon. I discovered that I still love not like love the taste of beer. After tasting several more Coors I found something I haven't felt in a long time peace sweet peace. I put on the earbuds and turned on the mp3 player. I could hear the music. I could feel the music. I could see the lyrics play out. I was at peace with myself and everything else. I know it was artificially produced.But damn it felt good. If I have to take a drug to maintain my sanity let me choose the drug. Fuck all those mind-numbing drugs that kill my creativity and destroy the essence of who I am.It only lasted a couple of hours but it's more than what I've had in a long time. I know for me it's like playing Russian Roulette. But for now, I'm willing to play the odds.Do I understand the game I'm playing? I fully understand who and what I'm playing. I'm playing the devil himself and I understand the horrific consequences of losing the game. If I lose this time I will lose everything and everyone dear in my life. All of it will be blown straight to hell and I will never get any of it back again. At that point to eat a bullet would be the kindest thing that could happen to me. I refuse to believe that it will lead to ruin and damnation. I'm better at the game now.I've had years of practice. It's all a matter of self-control.You just don't want to fully lose control.If you do the game is over. Bring it on let's play.

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