8-13-17 It Takes One to Know One
There's an old saying in life that" It takes one to know one." This is a letter that a total stranger to me wrote to himself. The words couldn't be any truer if I had spoken them myself.
This is when I was calm. Was feeling okay. And was freaking about being okay... Someone suggested I write a letter to myself. Reading it through actually brings me to tears. I think I need to find a new username. It sounds so weird the way I address myself.
27th September 2016
Dear Innocent,
Scrap that.
Innocent,
You're lying on your bed, writing. I see you there, pretty calm, pretty okay, without messing up. Yeah, you still are doing some things, like watching/fantasizing and scratching et al. They're problematic, but they're okay for now.
I know that you're afraid of the calm. Of the okayness. It seems impossible for you to be okay. And, it's okay. You're allowed to be scared of it. You don't have to mess up in order to wreck the calm. I know you think some of the calm is just because you're completely disconnected from what you feel. It isn't so. If that were so you wouldn't have ever messed up, and you would have been okay always. So maybe you don't like the word 'okay', for you may not really be okay, but you are. You're living. You're keeping really busy with good things. And the spare time you have, you aren't messing up. You're staying away from your laptop/email a whole lot, and you're seeing that you really can be okay without it. You're in a safe place. Safer. Where you don't need to plan how to end your life. And that's scary. For what will be if you stop dreaming of how you'll end it? Does that mean that you're going to have to live in this world? It's scary to let go of what was holding you safe. The dream, knowledge, that you could end your life whenever you wish to. You still can end it whenever you want. That won't be taken from you.
It doesn't feel safe to be calm. For the mess is a familiar place to live. There, you know what to expect. And, you deserve to be in that place. You think you deserve it. You don't really. No one deserves to be there. No one. However bad they may be. And I know that you think that no one deserves it, but you do. No, you don't. You deserve happiness. I know you can't stand hearing that. That you can't hear it for it throws your world off its axis. But yes, you deserve to be okay. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live. You deserve to just be. Everyone deserves a chance at life. So do you.
It's okay to be afraid. I know that this is new territory for you. You've had times when you've been calm. But never when the calm was with as much awareness of yourself as you have now. I know you aren't aware. and it's okay. You don't need to know what you think. You don't need to know what you feel. You don't need to know what you want. Yes, what you want is contradictory all the time. As is what you think and feel. It's allowed to be. You don't have to have access to it. You don't have access now, you aren't in touch now, but one day, I promise, you will be. You just have to keep doing what you are. Listening to R and H. Be honest with them. It's okay if you aren't. Just try. I promise that if you just try, one day you'll get there. I know you don't want to get there. For you believe that you don't, can't, deserve it or be worthy of it - life, being okay. You are, though. I know that's not the only reason you don't want it. You feel responsible for the world and all that happens. You aren't. You want the safety of the known. The unknown can also be safe. You want the escape route. It's still there. You want the chaos, it protects you from feeling. It's okay. Feeling anything is scary. You don't need to worry about that now. You aren't there now. When you get to really knowing what it means to feel, you'll deal with it then. It's okay not to be connected. It's okay to be you, regardless of what you may feel the world say.
It's okay, and it will be okay. Just live with the okayness. Enjoy it. Or, as you can't, don't do anything to wreck it. It's okay to be okay. I love you. However much you don't want to hear those world - I love you and believe in you. In your ability to find another side. To get to a place of real okayness. Of calm, and peace. You can do it. Just don't give up on the way. I'll be with you always. I am with you. And yes, you can do it. You're worth it.
Love, yourself.
This is when I was calm. Was feeling okay. And was freaking about being okay... Someone suggested I write a letter to myself. Reading it through actually brings me to tears. I think I need to find a new username. It sounds so weird the way I address myself.
27th September 2016
Dear Innocent,
Scrap that.
Innocent,
You're lying on your bed, writing. I see you there, pretty calm, pretty okay, without messing up. Yeah, you still are doing some things, like watching/fantasizing and scratching et al. They're problematic, but they're okay for now.
I know that you're afraid of the calm. Of the okayness. It seems impossible for you to be okay. And, it's okay. You're allowed to be scared of it. You don't have to mess up in order to wreck the calm. I know you think some of the calm is just because you're completely disconnected from what you feel. It isn't so. If that were so you wouldn't have ever messed up, and you would have been okay always. So maybe you don't like the word 'okay', for you may not really be okay, but you are. You're living. You're keeping really busy with good things. And the spare time you have, you aren't messing up. You're staying away from your laptop/email a whole lot, and you're seeing that you really can be okay without it. You're in a safe place. Safer. Where you don't need to plan how to end your life. And that's scary. For what will be if you stop dreaming of how you'll end it? Does that mean that you're going to have to live in this world? It's scary to let go of what was holding you safe. The dream, knowledge, that you could end your life whenever you wish to. You still can end it whenever you want. That won't be taken from you.
It doesn't feel safe to be calm. For the mess is a familiar place to live. There, you know what to expect. And, you deserve to be in that place. You think you deserve it. You don't really. No one deserves to be there. No one. However bad they may be. And I know that you think that no one deserves it, but you do. No, you don't. You deserve happiness. I know you can't stand hearing that. That you can't hear it for it throws your world off its axis. But yes, you deserve to be okay. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live. You deserve to just be. Everyone deserves a chance at life. So do you.
It's okay to be afraid. I know that this is new territory for you. You've had times when you've been calm. But never when the calm was with as much awareness of yourself as you have now. I know you aren't aware. and it's okay. You don't need to know what you think. You don't need to know what you feel. You don't need to know what you want. Yes, what you want is contradictory all the time. As is what you think and feel. It's allowed to be. You don't have to have access to it. You don't have access now, you aren't in touch now, but one day, I promise, you will be. You just have to keep doing what you are. Listening to R and H. Be honest with them. It's okay if you aren't. Just try. I promise that if you just try, one day you'll get there. I know you don't want to get there. For you believe that you don't, can't, deserve it or be worthy of it - life, being okay. You are, though. I know that's not the only reason you don't want it. You feel responsible for the world and all that happens. You aren't. You want the safety of the known. The unknown can also be safe. You want the escape route. It's still there. You want the chaos, it protects you from feeling. It's okay. Feeling anything is scary. You don't need to worry about that now. You aren't there now. When you get to really knowing what it means to feel, you'll deal with it then. It's okay not to be connected. It's okay to be you, regardless of what you may feel the world say.
It's okay, and it will be okay. Just live with the okayness. Enjoy it. Or, as you can't, don't do anything to wreck it. It's okay to be okay. I love you. However much you don't want to hear those world - I love you and believe in you. In your ability to find another side. To get to a place of real okayness. Of calm, and peace. You can do it. Just don't give up on the way. I'll be with you always. I am with you. And yes, you can do it. You're worth it.
Love, yourself.
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