8-14-17 No Surprise

The events of last Friday don't surprise me. I was warned before I left the hospital that people who are hospitalized for a suicide attempt are subject to having another suicide attempt in the near future. Statistics show that to be true. What does surprise me was how soon and how quickly it occurred with little to no warning. They told me I needed to have a safety net in place just in case. In a way I did someone read my post that morning and figured out that I had gone off the deep end and called Shirley and let her know. Shirley called me at work unexpectedly and let me know that she knew that something was wrong. I promised her that I would come home that night and that prompted my brain back to reality. You become disconnected from everyone and everything. It doesn't matter that you have loved ones that love you because you can't connect to that fact. All you see is a tunnel of darkness that ends in death. You can have a group of people around you talking and you see and hear them talking but you can't process any of it. It's just meaningless noise .There are no easy or quick answers or fixes. It's a daily process some days it's a minute by minute process. I thank God that I do have people that love and care for me even though some days it seems like I do everything possible to try and push them away. That's the way the illness works. If I didn't have people who loved and cared for me I would have already been dead because right now that's the only thing that gives me grounding. I'm sorry for the pain and discomfort all of this has caused. I'm trying that's all I can promise.