8-9-17 Last but Most Profound

Charlene was the last real relationship that I would have before meeting Shirley. There were other girls that I would take out on one time dates but she would be the last and most profound relationship that I would have in my entire life. It's difficult for me to remember our time together the emotions are still raw after all these years. Her sister Carol had introduced me to her I don't remember where now. I was working at the bakery at the time it seems like maybe February or March. I had decided to join the Air Force and was getting ready to go for my testing.It was 1977 and I was 19 years old. We would only be together for a short time in June I would leave for basic training.I scored high on the entrance exams and was assigned to train for Cryptology after basic training. I was a mess.  I had been through the relationship with Sherry, the suicide attempt, the relationship with Karen and now I was going to have another relationship with another girl what could possibly go wrong? Charlene was a year younger than I but to me, she looked even younger. She seemed quiet and shy at first. I came to her house and met her parents. Her mom was very nice and down to earth and always treated me like family.Her dad had a large build and actually was soft spoken but his appearance scared the hell out of me. She had a sister Carol who worked at the hospital two brothers Donald who was my age and a classmate at school and Tony who was younger. Tony and I would become friends he was always happy and funny and I enjoyed this company. I really didn't spend much time at their house I think I might have stayed over a couple of nights.We spent most of our time together out doing things. We went to the mountains, to Carowinds, movies, dinner, and I even took her flying once. We talked but we never really talked she would never really open up to me and tell me how she really felt. We could be talking and she would just shut down or give me the look and I knew it was time to let it go. I know now that we were more alike than we would ever know. I had my demons and she had her's. I regret had I didn't see that.Not that I would have been able to help her I couldn't even save myself much less anyone else. Did we love each other? I honestly don't know.She never would tell me so I never knew where I stood with her. We enjoyed each other company and together we would create a new life to be born into this world. I believe that there was love present in that act of procreation and I see living proof of it today when I look at my daughter.I left for basic training that was the last time that I would speak to Charlene. There would be no closure for me until this year, My daughter was born on February 1st, 1978.  I would see her one time kinda as a baby. That would be in the ER at Valdese General Hospital on a cold night in late winter or early spring. She was there with her mother and Granddad I had been brought in on a 2nd-second suicide attempt. I don't remember much about that night but the look Charlene gave me will forever be burned into my memory. Charlene would pass away before I would have the chance to try and explain why things ended the way they did.I don't know if I would have had the courage to face her again in person. I have visited her gravesite several times and spoken to her and explained things and asked for forgiveness. I don't think I have closure yet as I sit here crying while I write this. I do feel forgiveness but there is still guilt.I'm glad that we created a child together I see Charlene in her in a good away. I see the love and caring spirit that we both gave her and I thank God for allowing me to be a part of her life now. I will always remember Charlene and treasure her memory.