8-7-17 Companions

I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if I had ended up staying with one of the other girls that I ran with in my younger days. I met Karen after Sherry and I broke up. I had went to work for Captain D's in Hickory and she worked there also. The place had just opened and it was like one big party. After work every night a group of us would go to the Ramada Inn and party until closing. Some nights a group of us would end up over at Mulls Motel after the Ramada for well lets say group sexual activities. In retrospect I didn't have any sense of shame or restraint back then. Sex really didn't mean anything to most of us. I was drunk or stoned most of the time and nothing mattered but having a good time. Karen was a sweet girl and I think she tolerated the shameless behavior because she really cared for and wanted to be with me despite the discomfort my behavior caused her. One day I asked her if she wanted to just run away somewhere with me and we did. We went across country and ended up in Canada. We were gone for about a month. Karen was a very affectionate person and I was a cold indifferent person who only thought of myself. I used Karen for what or why I don't really know. It wasn't sex I would make excuses not to have sex with her. I could see the hurt in her eyes when I rejected her but I didn't care. We ended up at my Aunt Ruby's house in Newport Beach VA for awhile. Aunt Ruby was cool. She never judged or asked for any explanations. She did call mom to let her know that we were still alive. We came back to Hickory and we went to work for Pizza Hut. The behavior pattern started all other again. Work, Party, Sex Party's drugs, alcohol. Thinking back I wonder what in the hell was wrong with everyone back then. Karen came over to my house one day to pick me up and I just told her that it was over. I couldn't see her any more. She cried and begged me not to break up with her and I just didn't care. I wasn't sorry it didn't bother my conscience that I was hurting her.She would become collateral damage. My collateral damage I was good at that. Everyone who crossed my path would end up at a victim of collateral damage.  Thirty years later I would meet Karen again. She recognized me and we exchanged small talk. She had married and had a son. I was happy for her she deserved to find a good person who would love and care for her. Most of the relationships with girls that I had back then would end the same way. There were a few that would end up using me and throwing me to the curb but I always figured that I deserved it. There were a couple that I would fall in love with and if things would have been different If I would have been different than maybe it could have worked out. I understand now why I was the person that I was back then. I feel remorse for the pain that I caused back then and I have apologized and asked for forgiveness when possible. I can't change any of it. Sometimes when my mind won't shut down I remember those girls. I remember their names and their faces and some of the experiences that we had together, It's ironic some days I can't remember what I had for lunch yesterday but I can remember someone from 30-40 years old.  I hope that I will always remember so that I won't ever repeat the past. I never want to be that person ever again.