8-4-17Recap

This is my daily thoughts and feelings diary. I use it to go back and see how and why I was feeling a certain way that day. I can see if I was manic or depressive or both. It's not always an easy task for me to do. Sometimes the thoughts are jumbled up or crisscross. Sometimes I'm crying while writing. Other times I'm dealing with feelings of anger, guilt, shame and more. Some of the posts seem pointed or vulgar. Others are loving and caring. Regardless of the content they all serve one purpose. They let me vent. It's a good thing for me to vent. Some of the material is difficult for me to go back and read. It's hard to look at the dark ugly things in your life and try to make sense of and forgive yourself of your failures and shortcomings. It hard to admit to yourself and to other people I know I fucked up I know I hurt you I know how badly I treated you. I understand how you probably feel towards me. I don't blame you for how you feel. All I can do is tell you that I am sorry. If I could take it all back I would but I can only ask you to forgive me and give me a chance to try and make things as right as possible. There are some things that I can never make right. The first step for me is to put all of these feelings in writing I need to see it in print so I can work through it and process it in a way that I can understand. After I understand it then I can communicate my feelings to people personally.  So it's really a process. It's the way I process my feelings. It's not about me dumping on other people It's about me being able to start the healing process so that I can become the real person that I want to to be to myself and to my loved ones.