8-10-17 Where am I Now

I needed to take an honest look at where am I now as compared to 46 days ago. I 'm not as emotional as I was meaning I don't sit around and cry all day only briefly at times. I'm not as agitated as I was meaning I don't want to run over you with my van but I might still give you the finger. Sleep is better meaning some days I sleep a lot and nighttime sleep is better also. I'm talking more openly to Shirley now that is a mixed bag. Sometimes honesty is not the best thing if it hurts the other person. Work is work it occupies a part of the day and gives me down time. I don't feel sad. I don't feel happy. I'm still in Nothing land. I still think about death . I still fantasize about suicide. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I think that we all are going to die soon so death just seems normal to me. It always has mom used to drag me to all the Martinat family funerals so early in life death became natural to me. At 16 I was handling dead bodies and while that caused emotional distress death itself was normal. Do I want to die? Do I want to live? Both are equal to me. Neither has any greater meaning than the other. Life is physical and temporary. Death is non-physical and eternal. Both have their pros and cons. Life is suppose to prepare us for death. We are suppose to learn to be better souls. I question how much better one can become in this existence. Maybe I've missed the point. Maybe I'll never find the point. I'm trying to live in the moment but that doesn't help if your moment sucks. I don't see a future anymore . I haven't seen one in a long time. To me my future is death and it's a constant companion that drowns all the other good happy things out. So where am I now? It depends on each minute of the day.    

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