A LOOK AT END TIME PROPHECY THROUGH THE EYES OF AN UNWORTHY SERVANT

Stephanie M. Evanko, 32 February 25, 2017 Stephanie M. Evanko, 32, of Lancaster, PA,  passed  away on Saturday, February 25, 2017 at the Lehigh Valley Medical Center, following at 17 year struggle with addiction. She is now at peace in the arms of Jesus. Born in Lancaster, she was the daughter of Stephen and Mechthild Oetzel Evanko of Lancaster. She had a big and caring heart, was an animal lover, and was very proud and dearly loved her daughter, Savannah. She also loved to read, write poetry and believed deeply in her Christian faith. Stephanie was a 2002 graduate of Penn Manor High School. In addition to her parents and her daughter, Savannah, she is survived by her sister, Christien married to Jack Steele of Lancaster and by her niece, Allison, and nephew, Jack, along with aunts and uncles from the US and Germany. Author: Stephanie Evanko (wrote 04/29/2013) To My family and Friends: I’m sorry that I’m such a Mess, I deserve all the evil words spoken to me, and all the ...

For the first time in my life since I was a teenager, I sleep as many hours in a day as I am active. I suppose that's the result of the new pharmaceutical mix of mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety drugs. Not that I mind sleep as sleep as always been a friend to me. A way to escape the unpleasant realities of an unpleasant world.Now after breakfast instead of doing chores I just sit down in the recliner close my eyes and go back to sleep for an hour or two. I get back up do a few things have lunch and then sleep for another hour. If I sit down anywhere for more than five minutes and do nothing I'm asleep. At night I'm in bed by 11:30 lie down and five minutes later I'm out for the night. There's no dreaming that I can remember just a dead sleep. When I wake up in the morning it takes all the energy that I can find just to crawl out of the bed and then it takes my brain about two hours to boot back up to running speed. Nothing in this life is free. I guess this is my n...

Today has been a nice day after a bumpy start this morning. Today's thought is actually a positive one reflecting the human spirit we all possess. My wife's step-sister passed away over the week-end, She battled meta static breast cancer for years. She never gave in or gave up.If a new experimental treatment would open she would try it. She manged to continue working for the most part battled personal dilemmas  and took care of the grandchildren that she adopted. I never knew her very well but I admire and celebrate her courage, strength,and determination in the face of insurmountable  odds.She may have lost the war in the end but she won a hell of a lot of the battles and in the end that's really what matters. My work partner under went surgery at CMC yesterday. They gave him a five percent chance of survival. He made it. He's older than I with serious medical problems but a fighter also. It kinda gives one a different perspective on living and life which is so precio...

I'm not the same person that I was 30 days ago today. I did kill a part of me that day and it's gone dead, finished never to return. I started this year as a year of change. I was going to fix everything in the past that I had messed up. I created my own delusional fantasy world where I could do that. But I can't. There are some things that I can never fix no one can fix them they are beyond repair. I thought I could find happiness in other people. If I don't like or love myself how can I expect the love of others to make me whole? I've never grown up emotionally.I'm still that little child looking for acceptance, tenderness, love that I never had. I never was taught or learned how to become an adult emotionally. The real truth really hurts and I didn't like it I still don't but it's the cold hard reality that I'm stuck with to deal with.The question is where do I go from here? I can deny the truth or ignore it. Or I can make the hard choices and...

I see that I was busy over the weekend. There might have been just a little mania going on.I surprise myself at times at some of the stuff my mind produces. Today I'm back to point zero or flat lined. I have done my best today to avoid contact with other humans. The auto safety switch in my brain was tripped I guess it saw an overload coming.I'll only express one thought. my daughter commented to me the other day that she was gaining insight on how I cope. I know how I cope. I internalize and ignore. I file it all away in its own little file and it stays there until there's no more storage space. It will at some point be processed and usually not in a pleasant way. I think that's more OCD and the bipolar becomes the means of the processing.I agree it's not a healthy way of doing things. That's it for today. Maybe my creative side will return tomorrow. 

This is just  a short post. I've felt  different  the past  couple  of  days.  I've been  sleeping a lot  even today. I feel disconnected  from  everything. I just  wanted  to make  a note of  it in case anything  unusual  happens the investigators will have a starting point to focus on.  It's like  I'm sitting watching  things happen  but I'm not really  there. Strange.

Shirley's step-sister Judy passed away early Sunday morning in Atlanta.It was expected as she had fought breast cancer for years. She fought a good battle. I never knew much about Judy she seemed like a nice person and she was always pleasant to me. I'm glad that she has found eternal peace and no more pain. Rest in the arms of our Creator.

I grew up in a Southern Baptist church. Mom would drag me there every time they unlocked the doors. I learned at an early age that God was a mean, angry Father that was going to roast you in Hell if you didn't do things his way. I always wondered why anyone in their right mind would worship and love such a person.  I found the Catholic church and God was a nicer person there. He was apparently was OCD like me because things had to be done in a certain precise manner for him to be pleased. They loved sinners and encouraged it the more and bigger sin the better. All you had to do was confess it to a priest and say that you are sorry and it magically went away. I loved the system so much I entered into it and became a priest myself. I thought that I had been a bad boy but I was in for a surprise.You wouldn't believe the sick and disgusting things that human being do and do to each other. Nowadays I don't subscribe to either faith I just talk to God l...

I'm tired today. I don't really know why. It's not like I've done a lot this weekend. Shirley complains a lot about how the house looks. My solution is quite simple just don't look at it. That's the way I've viewed a lot of things in life. If I don't like what I see I just ignore it and hope that it will just go away or at least stay hidden so I don't have to look at it. That really hasn't worked out very well for me because things just keep adding up. Someone always sees it and makes a point to make its presence known to me. I usually just acknowledge their observation and let pass and return to Mr. Rogers neighborhood. Well kinda anyway I can't say it's back to a happy place at best a neutral place. Having OCD and being obsessive about the strangest things and totally oblivious about the larger more important things is a strange way to live. For example, we have a range with a glass cooking area. The glass cooking top needs to remain pe...

I watch the Young and the Restless every day on the television. Most of the time I can't relate to the problems of the rich and powerful Newman's and Abbot families. Right now they have a character and storyline that for me is kinda like looking in a mirror. Denna is the long lost wayward mother of Jack and Ashley Abbot who abanded them and their father when they were just young children.She has returned as an old woman looking for forgiveness, redemption, acceptance to reunite and bond with the children that she never knew. She most likely is in the early to moderate stages of dementia and she is seeking to reclaim as many good memories of the past as she can. She doesn't want to be remembered by her children as the cold and uncaring bitch that she was in her younger days. Jack still needs his mother. All of this failed relationships with females have subconsciously been a search for the mother he never had as a child. Ashley doesn't really need a mother now but she is...

I said in the beginning that I was writing his blog for myself. That's true. It gives me a sounding board and I can go back and see where I've been as to where I am now. I can say whatever I like and there is no judgment. I do from time to time look at the stats for the blog. Other people are looking at what I write. I wonder if they are searching for answers also or maybe they like watching train wrecks or maybe they really care about me and just want to know how I'm doing. No matter I've made my life an open book.Hopefully, I will learn from it not maybe someone else will.So I'll continue to write my thoughts the good, bad, and the ugly if it helps anyone else then that's ok too. I think today may be an Ativan day. Most days I hate taking drugs but there are rare occasions when I just want to indulge in semi-conscious bliss. Ok, I'll shut the hell up for the rest of the day Maybe Lol.

Today I did something unusual. I cooked dinner. My normal idea of cooking is that you take something from the freezer and put in the microwave. But today I actually turned on the range and made spaghetti and no it wasn't hamburger helper. I did it from scratch. I know big deal right. Well, it is for me because I hate to cook now.Anyway, it's been a decent day. It's too hot to go out so I'm not. The housework is done and the laundry is done so it's nap time. That's it until tomorrow.

I n school we start to form the identity of who we are. In the 8th grade, I was on the student council and school safety patrol. The kids from the other Waldensian families had always looked their nose down on our family but it was ok fuck them too I didn't need the snotty little bastards.The bomb shelter exploded and our classmate was killed and the school year ended. That summer I was raped by a stranger while on summer vacation.My life and identity would be changed forever. The next two years in ninth grade would be a pure living hell for me of alcohol and drugs. My brother was in Viet Nam and mom and dad were oblivious to what was going on.In school, there were the jocks, nerds, Jesus crowd, hippies, better than everyone else, and the undesirables. I chose the undesirables to run with. They made their own rules and didn't take any crap from anyone. I might go to school once or twice a week and skip the rest of the time. The school would call mom and I would catch...

It's been nearly a month now since my ill fated attempt with the grim reaper. I'm back on planet earth and for the most part thinking rationally and clearly once again so it's time to take an honest look at the events leading up to and the day of what was to be my judgment day. I was going through a cycle.I was in a growing depressive state that started about sixty days prior.There were issues that had aggravated the depression. The reliving of past trauma, the anniversary of my mother's death, fathers day, my own shortcomings and disappointments, despair, hopelessness, sadness, nothingness were some of the factors. The final solution was a well laid out plan which I had conceived over of a period of time the actual date being the only variable. I was going to have someone else do the dirty work for me as I couldn't complete the task myself. I chose the place which would be isolated to minimize the danger to others. The rest is simply a narrative of the events. That...

Well the week is done it's been an interesting one for sure. There's been good and bad. But the week ends on a high note. My partner at work is improving at CMC. My mood is better and stable for the most part. I can take the weekend and just chill inside it's way too hot to go anywhere. Sleep is ok. My labs came back good kidney function has improved and my white count is back to normal. Let's have a good weekend.

There comes a time in everyone's life where you have to pay up for the bad choices you make. For some people, it comes at the end of their life. For me, I'm on the pay as you go plan. Sometimes the payment is financial and that's fine with me. Money has very little meaning in my life. At other times the price has been higher and I've had to pay emotionally and spiritually. Those are the payments I dread the most. I'm in one of those payment periods now. I always knew it would come. The cost has been high and I was even willing to pay the ultimate price if I could stop the process. Some would say it's karma others would say it's justice. My case for mercy is a hard one to make because I do deserve whatever I get. But I will ask for mercy anyway. I don't think I have much left to offer in payment and yet the tears still flow and the pain still lingers. I guess it will conclude in due time. I'm not sure what kind of person I will be when it's all ov...

This is the the most difficult post that I have written so far. It involves people I love and I'm conflicted in being private but I need to be honest to myself while not causing any pain to those I love. My relationship to my daughter's mother ended badly and that was my fault no one else's. I never was able to apologize to her in person and to be honest in explaining why things ended the way they did. She passed away before I could do that. In fact I never knew that she had passed away until my daughter told me. I had unresolved feelings for her even after all of these years. I needed to mourn her death. I've visited her graveside several times and talked to her and expressed my feelings and regrets. I can't change the past. I wish I could. All I can do is make the best possible peace with it that I can. When I reunited with my daughter this year after many years of being apart I saw her in my mind as that little girl that I never knew. I wanted to image all the th...

We all lie to ourselves and I'm a pro at it. In 2012 when I thought I was going insane the first psychiatrist I saw diagnosed me at being Bipolar II. I didn't like the diagnosis. Bipolar people are crazy I didn't want to be a crazy person. So I went to a different doctor to get a different diagnosis and I got it. But the truth is I am Bipolar II and while I'm strange as hell I'm not crazy. Bipolar is simply a mood disorder where you cycle between high and low moods. For me it's a cycle between agitation and depression. Most of the time it is more depression than agitation. Yes it is genetic. There is no cure but it is treatable with mood stabilizers and anti depressants when needed. Psychotherapy helps with controlling or preventing issues that aggravate the condition. I'm not proud of having the disorder but I'm no longer ashamed of it either.

Today I learned a very important life lesson. I'm neither a stupid nor ignorant person as higher academia  has played an important part in my life I have studied several different disciplines and even have a degree in one. At times I have been a teacher, counselor, and spiritual leader. However in the large circle of life none of that really means a damn thing. Sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees. Something so simple so basic and I never once considered it. I never bonded to my parents as their child.They were always just people to me. I was never taught or learned how to bond and connect to my family or anyone else. What a total jerk and ass I've been. Grant it that's not the only issue that I have but that is a root cause for some of the other dysfunctions . How many other lives have I caused problems and misery in because of my own? I've been shown a new direction to explore and follow.It's going to be a long road but it gives me hope for the futur...

Once a week I go see my doctor and for an hour I sit and rant and rave and swear about the terrible childhood I had and all the injustices that life has dumped on me. I talk about family, religion,  feelings, emotions, anger, hurt, search for truth, and life in general. He quietly and patiently listens to me as I bear my soul both good and ugly. He endures the weeping and other emotions that I throw at him. I can be the true me I don't have to hold anything back. All the dark secrets and ugly things that I have done in my life are brought to light. After I'm done he quietly and gently redirects all of my toxic energy to what I am really telling him. I'm searching for the connection that I never had as a child.  I want to be loved and connected to the people I love. I want to be needed and share my life with others. I'm angry that I never could do that growing up. I take that anger and direct it at others and myself. I'm really not a bad person I just need to learn t...