9-30-20 Taking Oneself Off the Ledge
Talking Oneself off the Ledge :: By Candy Austin
Okay, this is the month where I get “sentimental.” Every year since the ‘I cannot take the toxicity anymore fallout’ with certain family members – not that I wanted to ‘get away out of rebellion’ like a prodigal, but that I ‘had to get away for my mental and emotional health’ – I find that I still want to reach out to them even though I know it is not good for me.
So, for the past 14 years, even after I ‘escaped out of Egypt’ so to speak – and even though it has been a ‘therapeutic journey of healing’ from all of the toxicity (not to mention the constant mental and emotional abuse) – nevertheless I find myself still ‘holding on to that tiny glimmer of hope that all could be well.’ Yes, you read that right; wanting to reach out to the very people who have inflicted such pain and damage in my life. I still love and care about them but, sadly, I have no choice but to do so from a distance.
Recently, I had some brothers in Christ describe me as “tender-hearted” and “simple-hearted.” My first reaction was to wonder if those descriptions were a ‘veiled insult.’ I guess I thought that since I have received ‘criticism and veiled insults’ from toxic family members for most of my life. Once I researched what those illustrations meant, I came to realize that they were ‘true assessments.’ Although I would like to think of myself as a ‘really strong person who is ideally hard to read.’ Apparently though, I am strong due to the Lord giving me His Strength, for without Him I could do nothing; but at the same time, I am pretty easy to read, I guess. Oh well.
tender-hearted: having a kind, gentle, or sentimental nature.
simple-hearted: (of a person) honest, open, and straightforward.
Since I am a tender and simple-hearted person who is also a ‘forever optimist,’ I tend to ‘circle the same drain’ over and over again in thinking that ‘maybe this time my card or letter will make a difference’! As history would have it, if it did make a difference it was only for a short span of time, but somehow that doesn’t seem to stop me from ‘wanting to reach out’ every few months or years to see if minds and hearts have changed.
People always tell me to ‘never stop reaching out to my kids.’ Being a parent of prodigals for going on 8 years now, that may sound ‘all well and good,’ but sometimes I wonder if that is not the best of advice. Even though I still reach out every few months to no avail, I sometimes think it may not be good advice, especially for people like me who just get hurt over and over again when we are repeatedly ignored and are treated as though we are utterly insignificant. Nonetheless, I press on in His Strength.
It has been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. So, to save myself from ‘practicing the definition of insanity’ this year, I tried to ‘talk myself off the ledge’ of reaching out again to people who could care less about me. As usual, I felt led to send yet another Birthday card to my estranged loved one, not like my ‘insanity of repeatedly reaching out’ makes a difference to them, but I take comfort in the fact that it makes a difference in God’s Eyes.
Seems to me that some ‘haters’ do not want to respond because they do not want to have to ‘apologize,’ much less admit guilt or wrongdoing. They love their ‘pride and sin’ too much and are not really rejecting me/us but are essentially rejecting Christ. When a person’s mind and heart is not right with God, they cannot think right; their rationale is skewed; and as long as they are giving ‘allegiance to the enemy,’ they become his pawns to do his bidding.
Therefore, I continue to reach out because I know that, ultimately, we are not wrestling with flesh and blood but with principalities, powers, and wickedness in high places. Because sin, iniquity, and lawlessness abounds, the love of many have waxed/grown cold in these perilous times. So, since we are in the last of the Last Days, we are constantly praying that these lost family members will repent and truly be born-again before it is too late!
Ephesians 6:12 “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”
Matthew 24:12 “And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.”
All I know is that I can kneel and be able to say before Abba Father God that I have reached out in love many times to my estranged family members. On the flip side, I cannot control the ‘status of the broken relationships’ if they choose to be cold and hard-hearted in refusing to reciprocate and relate back to me. The Bible tells us to be tender-hearted, forgiving one another just as Christ forgave us. God’s Word also teaches that we are not to render evil for evil.
Maybe part of ‘talking oneself off the ledge’ is instead choosing not to do unto our ‘haters’ as they do unto us. Even though they choose not to bless me with a Birthday card year after year, I can still choose to bless them this way, nonetheless. Perhaps I did successfully talk myself off the ledge this year and did not know it? “Help me Lord to do Your Will” is my heart’s prayer each day.
1 Peter 3:9 “Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.”
Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
From Pursue God: “Managing Toxic Relationships”
“Toxic” can be defined as “anything containing poisonous material capable of causing sickness or even death.” Toxic people tend to create toxic relationships, which can have serious consequences for our lives. We need to set boundaries against harmful relationships in order to save our emotional energy for pursuing God.
We all have people in our lives who leave us feeling negative and emotionally exhausted. Their influence makes you feel worse about yourself and your life. Consider these three types of people:
- The Negative person is judgmental and critical. They are always complaining. Nothing is good enough. Everyone else is to blame.
- The Controller is overbearing and demanding. They push to get their way through intimidation or manipulation.
- The Tempter influences you to go against your values. They don’t care about how their values and practices rub off on you.
These kinds of people put you at risk, not just because they make you unhappy. Our highest purpose in life is not our own happiness, but to pursue God. Toxic relationships divert our attention and take up our emotional resources.
You Can Manage Toxic Relationships in Two Simple Ways
Not everyone handles toxic people well. Here are two principles for doing better:
#1: Set healthy boundaries.
- A boundary is your decision to stop allowing the toxic behaviors, limiting the toxic effect. Jesus set boundaries with his followers.
#2: Know when to cut it off.
If a person remains toxic in spite of boundaries, you may need to stop being with them. – Source
From Got Questions: “What did Jesus mean when He instructed us to love our enemies?”
Jesus explained to His followers that they should adhere to the real meaning of God’s law by loving their enemies as well as their neighbors. A Pharisee once asked Jesus, “Who is my neighbor?” (Luke 10:29). Jesus then told the Parable of the Good Samaritan. Here Jesus taught that His followers must demonstrate love to all kinds of people—no matter what faith, nationality, or personality—enemies included. If you love your enemies and “pray for those who persecute you,” you then truly reveal that Jesus is Lord of your life.
By using an illustration of the sun rising and the rain falling on both the good and the evil, Jesus shows God’s undiscriminating love to all people. His disciples then must reflect His character and exhibit this same undiscriminating love for both friends and enemies. Jesus is teaching us that we must live by a higher standard than what the world expects—a standard that is impossible for us to attain by our own efforts. It’s only through the power of God’s Spirit that His people can truly love and pray for those who intend to do them harm (Romans 12:14-21). – Source
The message seems to be twofold as always. On the one hand, if the person is toxic and damaging to you, then it may be time to cut things off; but on the other hand and at the same time, you can ‘love them from a distance.’ Loving them from a distance does not always mean ‘reconciliation.’ Just letting them know you love them, are praying for them, and want to bless them with a card may be the ‘best you can do’ at the moment, and that is okay. As long as you are trying to Honor God by loving your enemies, even if it is just by praying for them, this pleases God because we are obeying His Word. Without God we can do nothing. It is only by His Holy Spirit we can do this.
Matthew 5:44 “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”
John 15:5 “I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: forwithout me ye can do nothing.”
Until next time… Maranatha!
(JESUS = WAY, TRUTH, LIFE)
Comments