Friday, August 18, 2017

8-18-17 Just Snap Out of It

People mean well but they really don't have a clue. They are always saying I hope you get better soon. When you live with a mental illness there is no getting better it's not like having a cold or the flu. You control and manage the symptoms as best as you can but there is no cure and there is no better. So sometimes you're a little less depressed or a little less likely to kill yourself or a little less manic but you are never going to be normal. It's a chronic lifelong illness just like all the others but more difficult to fight and live with at times. When you accept the reality of how things really are and are going to be for the rest of your life it's getting a little easier for you to live with. You don't beat yourself up quite as much it becomes easier to forgive and you're not ridden with guilt quite as much. You begin to understand it's not your fault that you are ill. So to all those people like me, I hope you live well with your illness. Peace

Thursday, August 17, 2017

8-17-17 Losing the Fear of Taking Drugs

Losing the Fear of Taking Medication for Depression

Nine years ago I decided to wean off all my meds and take natural supplements instead.
One evening I was fixing a magnesium concoction, chatting with a friend. We were talking about my depression, and this new holistic route I was taking.
“You have everything you need inside you to get better,” she said.
Yeah, I suppose I do, I thought. I mean, why would God create you with some missing pieces?
A few months later my husband found me in our bedroom closet, in a fetal position, unable to move. I was horribly depressed and hiding from the kids. He begged me to change courses, to go to Johns Hopkins Mood Disorders Clinic for a consultation.
I was stubborn and wouldn’t budge. I was positive that I had everything within me that I needed to get better.
Then his voice cracked and he started crying.
“Please,” he begged me. “Do this for me.”
So I started taking pills again.
It was like the scene in the movie“As Good As It Gets,” when Melvin (Jack Nicholson) takes Carol (Helen Hunt) out to a nice restaurant. Melvin says to her:
I’ve got this…what?…ailment. My doctor, this shrink I used to go to all the time…he says in 50 to 60 percent of the cases a pill really helps. Now I hate pills. Very dangerous things, pills. I am using the word hate here with pills. Hate ’em. Anyway I never took them…then that night when you came over and said that you would never…well, you were there, you know what you said. And here’s the compliment. That next morning, I took the pills.
Like Melvin, I hate pills. I hate them so much. I prefer looking for jewelry in my dog’s crap than taking prescriptions. However, the people I care about the most tell me that I’m easier to be around when I’m taking medication.
A few months ago, I was talking to my best friend from college. She has experienced 25 years of my mood swings, so her assessment of my mental health is extremely valuable to me. Our history allows her to place my meltdowns and freak-outs in a context that even my doctor and therapist can’t. Plus, her perspective is always interesting because she is no lover of medicine. She treats every ailment of hers and her kids holistically, with this kind of herb or that type of extract, which I’ve grown to respect.
I had just been to see a new functional doctor, who sent me home with a list of 26 supplements that would treat the underlying causes of my depression and anxiety. The plan was to start weaning myself off of my antidepressants and mood stabilizer over the course of the next six months, and rely solely on SAMe, Vitamin B-12, NatureThyroid, and some intestinal health support to treat my mood dips.
“But you seem good right now,” she said.
“I’m not that good. I still want to die,” I responded.
“But maybe you want to die less?” she laughed.
“I just need to get over my fear of not taking the meds,” I said. I was picturing the scene in the closet. There was a pause, which I didn’t really understand, because I know her philosophy on pills.
“Maybe you need to get over the fear of taking the meds,” she said. She went on to explain that, over the years, I have seemed more resilient when I was on the right medication combination, and that she thought my psychiatrist was very good, that I was okay to trust her.
I never thought of it that way: That I was afraid of taking the meds. I always presumed I was scared to NOT take the meds, to make that jump out of the plane — not knowing if my non-pharmaceutical parachute would work — that I was a wimp, inept at training my brain to think positive, and therefore had to take the synthetic stuff.
Obviously, the fear of taking medication is far more prevalent than the fear of not taking medication.
“I’d like to make the obvious point that I don’t think is made often enough,” said Kay Redfield Jamison, PhD, a professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine at the Johns Hopkins 21st Annual Mood Disorders/Education Symposium, “which is that it doesn’t do any good to have effective medications for an illness if people don’t take them.”
She went on to say that a little less than half of bipolar patients do not take their medications as prescribed.
I was never crazy about taking meds, of course. I fought my college therapist for 18 months before I finally gave in taking Zoloft. But moving to an affluent town on the East Coast (Annapolis), where people have the disposable income to throw at holistic experiments, has made it even more challenging. Aside from my husband and my psychiatrist, I don’t have anyone around me who REALLY believes there is such a thing as a severe mood disorder that can be life-threatening if you don’t treat it effectively, ideally with medication and other supplements (plus other things like exercise and therapy). Most folks here adhere to a philosophy that medication only masks the symptoms, and a person can’t really heal or get to the underlying causes of depression or anxiety until she is off the toxins.
Zoloft and Lithium, in other words, are lame Band-Aids.
Just the other day, for example, a well-intentioned friend approached me about seeing a healer-chiropractor who apparently can only do reiki if a person is not on meds.
“Any sort of synthetic drug blocks the energy so she can’t get through,” my friend explained matter-of-factly.
She is a kind woman with a good heart. I know she’s not trying to insult me. But those types of remarks pour salt on a wound that is forever fresh. Because part of me thinks she’s right. There’s a voice inside of me that won’t believe bipolar disorderis legitimate and that drugs like Zoloft and Lithium aren’t cop-outs.
A child psychologist I met with yesterday was explaining the two voices inside of every kid (and I add adult), and how it can prove very difficult to move forward until we totally abolish the “You suck” voice from our heads.
“Believing it just a little is going to elicit almost as much anxiety as believing it a lot,” she said.
Yikes. Really?
I think she’s right. My real battle does not exist with people on the East Cost (or West Coast) who don’t get depression or bipolar disorder. The war is within myself. I must kick the little self-doubting turd out of mind and believe that I am on the right path, that all of the sweat and tears and research and hard work of the last 43 years have guided me there.
I must believe in my own wisdom: That even though I can’t always feel the benefits of medication, that they must remain a part of my treatment plan for now.
I must trust my truth, as difficult as that can be when you live in a place like Annapolis.
Last Updated: 10/16/2014

8-17-17 Tread Carefully

No new earth shattering discoveries today. My therapist simply advised to tread carefully  and stay out of the deep end of the pool. I don't go back until next month so I'm looking forward to taking a break from it all. I'm back into a depressive cycle and it's ok I'm used to being depressed. You just muddle through the day on autopilot. There's nothing to fight or care about you just exist. I might need to take something to sleep last night was a restless night and have been nodding off today which is ok unless your're driving at the time. That's about it. Peace  

8-17-17 Another day

I waited until this morning to confirm my appointment with the therapist. I wasn't going to go I really don't want to go but it's become a part of my normal routine and it's important that I try to maintain normal as much as possible.It's judgement free except for my self-loathing and judgement. Today is another day no different from yesterday no different from tomorrow. I still wonder what the point of living is just too exist. Hope for a better brighter tomorrow, really? I think it a delusion built into our DNA. It keeps you getting up every morning and going through the daily motions but for what in the end. I always thought that quality of life is more important than quantity of life and I still do.  I guess I'll carry on another day not for myself but for others around me. Peace

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

8-16-17 Logic

I received my statement of benefits paid from the insurance co today. They decided not to pay the $507.00 ambulance bill to CVMC. They said that it was unnecessary. Now first off I didn't call for an ambulance I didn't ask for an ambulance. It was kinda forced on me. I was given two choices I could voluntary go to the ER in the back of the ambulance or I could involuntary go to the ER handcuffed in the back of a patrol car. Which one would you choose? There are days when I would have put up a fight but that day wasn't one of them.Secondly if I had managed to put a bullet in my brain the ambulance ride would have been covered although I doubt it would have really been necessary. I agree that the ambulance was unnecessary but you're fucked either way. So United Healthcare I have two words for you. Fuck You. And I guess that Catawba Co EMS is fucked too because I'm not paying the bill I didn't authorize it and at the time I was mentally incapable of entering into any kind of legal contract. At least that's what the ER doctor and psychiatrist on duty decided. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

8-16-17 Repetition

Well, it's Wednesday I think. I slept until eight am this morning that's unusual.I have an appointment tomorrow with the therapist. I think I'm going to skip it this week. Self-examination and discovery are tiring and I'm just not in the mood this week. Sometimes you just have to take a break from yourself and chill with what you have. Is it really necessary to know everything about yourself?Be careful what you ask for you may not like what you find.Anyway here's to today and whatever life brings.Peace

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

8-15-17 Help For Those in Need



Are You Feeling Suicidal?

How to Deal with Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings and Overcome the Pain

You're not alone; many of us have had suicidal thoughts at some point in our lives. Feelingsuicidal is not a character defect, and it doesn't mean that you are crazy, or weak, or flawed. It only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. This pain seems overwhelming and permanent at the moment. But with time and support, you can overcome your problems and the pain and suicidal feelings will pass.

I'm having suicidal thoughts, what do I need to know?

No matter how much pain you’re experiencing right now, you’re not alone. Some of the finest, most admired, needed, and talented people have been where you are now. Many of us have thought about taking our own lives when we’ve felt overwhelmed by depression and devoid of all hope. But the pain of depression can be treated and hope can be renewed. No matter what your situation, there are people who need you, places where you can make a difference, and experiences that can remind you that life is worth living. It takes real courage to face death and step back from the brink. You can use that courage to face life, to learn coping skills for overcoming depression, and for finding the strength to keep going. Remember:
  1. Your emotions are not fixed - they are constantly changing. How you feel today may not be the same as how you felt yesterday or how you'll feel tomorrow or next week.
  2. Your absense would create grief and anguish in the lives of friends and loved ones.
  3. There are many things you can still accomplish in your life.
  4. There are sights, sounds, and experiences in life that have the ability to delight and lift you - and that you would miss.
  5. Your ability to experience pleasurable emotions is equal to your ability to experience distressing emotions.

Why do I feel suicidal?

Many kinds of emotional pain can lead to thoughts of suicide. The reasons for this pain are unique to each one of us, and the ability to cope with the pain differs from person to person. We are all different. There are, however, some common causes that may lead us to experience suicidal thoughts and feelings.

Why suicide can seem like the only option

If you are unable to think of solutions other than suicide, it is not that other solutions don’t exist, but rather that you are currently unable to see them. The intense emotional pain that you’re experiencing right now can distort your thinking so it becomes harder to see possible solutions to problems, or to connect with those who can offer support. Therapists, counselors, friends or loved ones can help you to see solutions that otherwise may not be apparent to you. Give them a chance to help.

A suicidal crisis is almost always temporary

Although it might seem as if your pain and unhappiness will never end, it is important to realize that crises are usually temporary. Solutions are often found, feelings change, unexpected positive events occur. Remember: suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Give yourself the time necessary for things to change and the pain to subside.

Even problems that seem hopeless have solutions

Mental health conditions such as depression, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder are all treatable with changes in lifestyle, therapy, and medication. Most people who seek help can improve their situation and recover. Even if you have received treatment for a disorder before, or if you’ve already made attempts to solve your problems, know that it’s often necessary to try different approaches before finding the right solution or combination of solutions. When medication is prescribed, for example, finding the right dosage often requires an ongoing process of adjustment. Don’t give up before you’ve found the solution that works for you. Virtually all problems can be treated or resolved.

Take these immediate actions

Step #1: Promise not to do anything right now

Even though you’re in a lot of pain right now, give yourself some distance between thoughts and action. Make a promise to yourself: "I will wait 24 hours and won't do anything drastic during that time." Or, wait a week.
Thoughts and actions are two different things—your suicidal thoughts do not have to become a reality. There’s is no deadline, no one's pushing you to act on these thoughts immediately. Wait. Wait and put some distance between your suicidal thoughts and suicidal action.

Step #2: Avoid drugs and alcohol

Suicidal thoughts can become even stronger if you have taken drugs or alcohol. It is important to not use nonprescription drugs or alcohol when you feel hopeless or are thinking about suicide.

Step #3: Make your home safe

Remove things you could use to hurt yourself, such as pills, knives, razors, or firearms. If you are unable to do so, go to a place where you can feel safe. If you are thinking of taking an overdose, give your medicines to someone who can return them to you one day at a time as you need them.

Step #4: Don’t keep these suicidal feelings to yourself

Many of us have found that the first step to coping with suicidal thoughts and feelings is to share them with someone we trust. It may be a family member, friend, therapist, member of the clergy, teacher, family doctor, coach, or an experienced counselor at the end of a helpline. Find someone you trust and let them know how bad things are. Don’t let fear, shame, or embarrassment prevent you from seeking help. And if the first person you reach out to doesn’t seem to understand, try someone else. Just talking about how you got to this point in your life can release a lot of the pressure that’s building up and help you find a way to cope.

Step #5: Take hope - people DO get through this

Even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now manage to survive these feelings. Take hope in this. There is a very good chance that you are going to live through these feelings, no matter how much self-loathing, hopelessness, or isolation you are currently experiencing. Just give yourself the time needed and don’t try to go it alone.

Reaching out for help

Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, there are many people who want to support you during this difficult time. Reach out to someone. Do it now. If you promised yourself 24 hours or a week in step #1 above, use that time to tell someone what's going on with you. Talk to someone who won't try to argue about how you feel, judge you, or tell you to just "snap out of it." Find someone who will simply listen and be there for you.
It doesn’t matter who it is, as long as it’s someone you trust and who is likely to listen with compassion and acceptance.

How to talk to someone about your suicidal thoughts

Even when you’ve decided who you can trust to talk to, admitting your suicidal thoughts to another person can be difficult.
  • Tell the person exactly what you are telling yourself. If you have a suicide plan, explain it to them.
  • Phrases such as, ‘I can't take it anymore’ or ‘I’m done’ are vague and do not illustrate how serious things really are. Tell the person you trust that you are thinking about suicide.
  • If it is too difficult for you to talk about, try writing it down and handing a note to the person you trust. Or send them an email or text and sit with them while they read it.

What if you don't feel understood?

If the first person you reached out to doesn’t seem to understand, tell someone else or call a suicide crisis helpline. Don’t let a bad experience stop you from finding someone who can help.

If you don’t know who to turn to:

In the U.S. - Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the National Hopeline Network at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433).
In the UK and Ireland - Call the Samaritans at 116 123
In Australia - Call Lifeline Australia at 13 11 14
In other countries - Visit IASP or Suicide.org to find a helpline in your country.

How to cope with suicidal thoughts

Remember that while it may seem as if these suicidal thoughts and feelings will never end, this is never a permanent condition. You WILL feel better again. In the meantime, there are some ways to help cope with your suicidal thoughts and feelings.
If You Have Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings
Things to do:
Talk with someone every day, preferably face to face. Though you feel like withdrawing, ask trusted friends and acquaintances to spend time with you. Or continue to call a crisis helpline and talk about your feelings.
Make a safety plan. Develop a set of steps that you can follow during a suicidal crisis. It should include contact numbers for your doctor or therapist, as well as friends and family members who will help in an emergency.
Make a written schedule for yourself every day and stick to it, no matter what. Keep a regular routine as much as possible, even when your feelings seem out of control.
Get out in the sun or into nature for at least 30 minutes a day.
Exercise as vigorously as is safe for you. To get the most benefit, aim for 30 minutes of exercise per day. But you can start small. Three 10-minute bursts of activity can have a positive effect on mood.
Make time for things that bring you joy. Even if very few things bring you pleasure at the moment, force yourself to do the things you used to enjoy.
Remember your personal goals. You may have always wanted to travel to a particular place, read a specific book, own a pet, move to another place, learn a new hobby, volunteer, go back to school, or start a family. Write your personal goals down.
Things to avoid:
Being alone. Solitude can make suicidal thoughts even worse. Visit a friend, or family member, or pick up the phone and call a crisis helpline.
Alcohol and drugs. Drugs and alcohol can increase depression, hamper your problem-solving ability, and can make you act impulsively.
Doing things that make you feel worse. Listening to sad music, looking at certain photographs, reading old letters, or visiting a loved one’s grave can all increase negative feelings.
Thinking about suicide and other negative thoughts. Try not to become preoccupied with suicidal thoughts as this can make them even stronger. Don’t think and rethink negative thoughts. Find a distraction. Giving yourself a break from suicidal thoughts can help, even if it’s for a short time.

Recovering from suicidal thoughts

Even if your suicidal thoughts and feelings have subsided, get help for yourself. Experiencing that sort of emotional pain is itself a traumatizing experience. Finding a support group or therapist can be very helpful in decreasing the chances that you will feel suicidal again in the future. You can get help and referrals from your doctor or from the organizations listed in our Related Links section.

5 steps to recovery

  1. Identify triggers or situations that lead to feelings of despair or generate suicidal thoughts, such as an anniversary of a loss, alcohol, or stress from relationships. Find ways to avoid these places, people, or situations.
  2. Take care of yourself. Eat right, don’t skip meals, and get plenty of sleep. Exercise is also key: it releases endorphins, relieves stress, and promotes emotional well-being.
  3. Build your support network. Surround yourself with positive influences and people who make you feel good about yourself. The more you’re invested in other people and your community, the more you have to lose—which will help you stay positive and on the recovery track.
  4. Develop new activities and interests. Find new hobbies, volunteer activities, or work that gives you a sense of meaning and purpose. When you’re doing things you find fulfilling, you’ll feel better about yourself and feelings of despair are less likely to return.
  5. Learn to deal with stress in a healthy way. Find healthy ways to keep your stress levels in check, including exercising, meditating, using sensory strategies to relax, practicing simple breathing exercises, and challenging self-defeating thoughts.
More help for suicide prevention

Resources and references

Suicide crisis lines in the U.S.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – Suicide prevention telephone hotline funded by the U.S. government. Provides free, 24-hour assistance. 1-800-273-TALK (8255). (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline)
IMAlive – Toll-free telephone number offering 24-hour suicide crisis support. 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433). (Kristin Brooks Hope Center)
The Trevor Project – Crisis intervention and suicide prevention services for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning (LGBTQ) youth. Includes a 24/7 hotline: 1-866-488-7386.
SAMHSA's National Helpline – Free, confidential 24/7 helpline information service for substance abuse and mental health treatment referral. 1-800-662-HELP (4357). (SAHMSA)
txt4life – Suicide prevention resource for residents of Minnesota. Text the word "LIFE" to 61222 to be connected to a trained counselor. (txt4life.org)

Suicide crisis lines worldwide

Crisis Centers in Canada – Locate suicide crisis centers in Canada by province. (Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention)
Befrienders Worldwide – International suicide prevention organization connects people to crisis hotlines in their country.
IASP – Find crisis centers and helplines around the world. (International Association for Suicide Prevention).
International Suicide Hotlines – Find a helpline in different countries around the world. (Suicide.org)
Samaritans UK – 24-hour suicide support for people in the UK and Republic of Ireland (call 116 123). (Samaritans)
Lifeline Australia – 24-hour suicide crisis support service at 13 11 14. (Lifeline Australia)

If you are having suicidal thoughts

If you are thinking about suicide, read this first – Tips for getting you through when you’re feeling suicidal, as well as information about maintaining recovery and healing. (Metanoia.org)
About Suicide – UK National Health Service site offering information for those considering suicide or have attempted suicide in the past. (Moodjuice)
Coping with suicidal thoughts – PDF download with information on how to understand your suicidal feelings and how to develop a safety plan. (Consortium for Organizational Mental Health)

8-15-17 An Alright place to Be

Today has been an ok day. Not good or bad just ok. That's fine I can live with ok. I don't read the news feeds on Facebook anymore the issues are not my problem so why bother. I don't watch the climate change planet X videos any more either. If the world is going to end there's nothing I can do to stop it so who cares. Deborah is becoming quite the little pitbull at work chasing people down who disregard her commands. I don't worry if you're not disturbing my world then why bother. Things at home are ok I think Shirley is starting to understand that my craziness has nothing to do with her personally It's all on me and doesn't mean that I don't love her. As for me another day is history and I'm still breathing so all is well in my world. Peace,

8-15-17 To Forgive One's Self

All the advice, everywhere, about abusive relationships, tell you to get out – to leave – to stop the monster that is hurting you. But what do you do when the person making your life unbearable, the person that is making you desperately want to die to make it stop, is you? What do you do when ‘I hate myself’ isn’t just a throwaway comment, but is, instead, a pain so deep that you would do anything to make it end?

I’d Be Better Off Dead

Sometimes it feels like it is impossible for anything to get better – you’ve screwed things up so badly that there is no coming back. Nothing you do is right, nothing you do is good enough. It feels like there is no escape because the person you need to run away from is the one person you can never leave behind. I understand that feeling well; I have been there myself, standing in the ruins of a life I have obliterated so completely that I cannot even find the pieces, let alone start to put them back together. How do you start to repair things, to build a life that feels worth living when the moment things seem to get better, the moment something good happens, you self-destruct and blow it all to pieces again?
Here in SF, I see it every day. Kind, warm, caring people who give up their time and energy to reach out and help other people in pain, because they know what it feels like to hate yourself – what it feels like to loathe yourself with such venom that you want to die. The world is full of good people who hate themselves so much, feel so disgusted by their mistakes, by their own thoughts and actions, that they believe they would be better off dead. I have spoken to literally hundreds of them. If you are reading this, there is a good chance that you came here because you are one of them.

Forgiving Yourself

Maybe you are here because you feel like you don’t deserve forgiveness. You do. I don’t know what you have done, what choices you have made. I don’t know anything about you, but I know that if you were not a good person you would not feel so bad – you would not care so much that you want to die. If you deserved the hate you direct at yourself, you would not be able to feel it. You deserve to be forgiven. You deserve love and support and people who care about you. You deserve to be heard.
Join Suicide Forum
I am not trying to tell you that you are perfect just the way you are. Nobody is perfect. But imperfection is what makes us able to empathize, to love, to do the amazing things that humans do as they strive to be better. I am not telling you that you do not need to change; everyone changes, over time, and if there are things about yourself that you truly hate then you can work on changing those things. I know how easy it is to think that you need to change everything – that there is nothing good worth keeping or saving. You’re wrong. You may need help to see the good things; that happens when you have spent so long in such a dark place – it is hard to see the light. It is okay to need help. It is okay to ask for it. You may not feel you deserve it but you, like the other hundreds and hundreds of people who come to SF hating themselves, are wrong.

It’s Easier to Believe the Bad Things

Sometimes self-hate doesn’t even come from things we did, or the mistakes we made. Sometimes self-hate is built by other people – people who lie to us about who we are. Bullies come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes they are people who pretend to be friends, sometimes they are parents. When they are people who are supposed to love us, it is easy to believe that they are mean or violent because we deserve it.
I am deffective
It is hard enough when the negative words in our heads are our own. When they belong to people we love, it is that much harder to ignore them. To be told that you are not enough – not smart enough, not pretty enough, not g00d enough. If you get told often enough that you are a failure or that you are stupid or broken or ugly, especially by someone you love, it is easy for those lies to become your reality. Please, don’t let them. I know it is not easy and I know it hurts. I know that the only thing you want right now is to be someone worth loving, to be someone who deserves to live. I know you don’t believe it is possible and that is okay – let us believe it for you until you are ready to hear the truth from people who see you without the blackened tint of self-loathing. Talk to us.

Depression is a Liar

Depression lies. It is a dark insidious thing that creeps into our brains and whispers to us that our more negative feelings about ourselves are true. Many people have no idea that the sucking black hole inside them that makes them feel like people would be better off without them is an illness. Depression makes people pull away from their friends because they believe they are bad for them, that they will hurt them. It tells people that ‘nobody likes you anyway’. It distorts and it wraps and it leaves you believing there is nothing good left. Depression can make you believe that you are a worthless failure that will never amount to anything; it can make you believe you are too ugly to leave the house and that the world would be better off if you were dead.
If you feel any of these things, however much you believe that you feel them because they are true, you need the help of a doctor and you need the support of people who understand those feelings. I understand you do not believe you deserve that help. I understand you hate yourself because you believe you deserve that hatred. Let us show you that isn’t true. Join our community and talk to people who have beaten those feelings, people who can help you change the things you want to change and accept the things that you simply do not need to. Let us hold a candle in that darkness and show you the good things you cannot see for yourself.

8-15-17 There are People Who Care

Most people find SF when the pain is so bad that they can’t take anymore you are looking for a way, anyway, to make it stop. Painless suicide methods seem like the holy grail right now. I get it – believe me – I understand.
. That is how I found SF. If you are here, reading this, the chances are you are so tired of hurting, so exhausted by the relentless black hole of pain inside you that

Are There Any Painless Suicide Methods?

The simple answer is no. I understand that your instinct now is to click off this page and keep looking, but STOP. Wait. Just stay a few minutes. The problem with suicide methods is that 97% of the time, they fail. And that is just the completely committed “I want to die right now this second” group. Suicide is painful and messy and horrifying – and I completely understand if you are sitting here thinking “yes, well so is my life” – I have been there.
One of the most common things our members say when they first join SF is ‘I am too much of a coward to go through with it”. Not killing yourself isn’t cowardly. Not killing yourself isn’t weak or spineless. It is okay to scream for help at the top of your lungs right now – you deserve help and nobody can do this alone.
Cowardly Suicide
We have thousands and thousands of members and each and every one of them knows what it feels like to want to fall asleep and never wake up. To stop the pain – for it to be easy and peaceful and painless. Suicide isn’t any of those things. It is painful and lonely and scary and 97% of the time it fails. For people under 40, that number goes up to 99.5% of the time. The thoughts and feelings you are dealing with are not shameful or weak or wrong – but really wanting to die and really wanting to make the pain stop are not the same thing. 

What About Pain Free Death?

It is easy to believe – especially right now – that it wouldn’t matter if you died. Nobody would care. I don’t know you and I don’t know what is going on in your life (I would like to) but I have been suicidal and believed those things, and I have talked to hundreds and hundreds of people who also believe those things. Pain lies. Depression lies. Most of all, despair lies. The idea that your death would not matter and it wouldn’t hurt anyone – that your suicide would be pain free for all concerned – it isn’t true. Maybe you want to believe it is true because you don’t want to hurt any of the people you love. Maybe you hurt so badly you can’t see past the pain to the truth. But you are wrong. There are no ‘pain free’ ways to die. There are especially no pain free ways to kill yourself. Not just the physical messy agony of suicide itself, which is never like it is in the movies or on tumblr, but also the emotional pain you are passing to the people who are about you and even the people who ‘only’ know you.
The pain can go away. I know you don’t believe me; I didn’t believe it either. I was sure – 100% definite – that life would never get better, that the pain would never go away, that I would never feel okay again, let alone happy. I felt alone and isolated and like there was nobody to talk to who could possibly understand. I was wrong. About all of it. There are people who understand and who will support you and while right now you don’t think support can help and you don’t see how talking can make a difference, there is something about NOT feeling alone and isolated that eases the pain just enough to be able to breathe for a minute. To be able to think. To give yourself a chance.
Join Suicide Forum

You Need to Talk to Someone

There is no replacement for professional medical treatment. If you are suicidal you need real medical help – but you also need to talk to people you can be honest with, people you can say out loud “I hurt so much I want to die” to. It is hard, almost impossible, to say those things to people who know and care about you in real life. They get scared and hurt and suddenly you are not only dealing with your own pain, you are dealing with theirs as well. For people who already have more pain than they can bear, that is not an option.
Talking doesn’t magically make the pain go away. I am not going to sit here and lie to you that it might. I understand that it is hard to see the point – the POINT is that you want to make the pain stop and if talking won’t do that then it can feel like a waste of the precious little energy you have left. What talking does – in a peer to peer setting – is make you feel less alone. Knowing that people understand and care, that even strangers who are in pain themselves care about you enough to listen and support you, can make you feel less isolated, remind you that you do not have to deal with this alone. 
Talk to us. Write down how you feel. Engage with people who understand – as much as anyone can understand – how you feel. The pain won’t go away overnight but it CAN go away and you deserve to have support while you deal with it. So instead of clicking off here and going back to Google in search of ways to die, stick around here. Join our community and find ways to make the pain go away that don’t involve killing yourself – ways to make the pain go away that give you your life back. 

8-15-17 How?

Yesterday was a difficult day not because of how I felt but because it was confession time. I hadn't told Shirley the events of last week someone else did that for me yesterday. I knew when I got home last night I was going to have to face her feelings of hurt, anger, pain, sadness. How do you tell someone that you have been married to and loved for thirty-five years that you were going to try and kill yourself again? I read her some of my posts from last week this morning.When I was done she simply said," I don't know what to say." I've heard that before from others."There is no good reply sometimes. I don't know what to say." I get it I do.Most of the time I'm ok and I understand how those around me must be feeling. It breaks my heart to see the pain I'm causing them. But when the darkness takes over and I lose all feeling and ability to reason none of that matters.I don't know what to say either. I don't know how to explain it.

Monday, August 14, 2017

8-14-17 No Surprise

The events of last Friday don't surprise me. I was warned before I left the hospital that people who are hospitalized for a suicide attempt are subject to having another suicide attempt in the near future. Statistics show that to be true. What does surprise me was how soon and how quickly it occurred with little to no warning. They told me I needed to have a safety net in place just in case. In a way I did someone read my post that morning and figured out that I had gone off the deep end and called Shirley and let her know. Shirley called me at work unexpectedly and let me know that she knew that something was wrong. I promised her that I would come home that night and that prompted my brain back to reality. You become disconnected from everyone and everything. It doesn't matter that you have loved ones that love you because you can't connect to that fact. All you see is a tunnel of darkness that ends in death. You can have a group of people around you talking and you see and hear them talking but you can't process any of it. It's just meaningless noise .There are no easy or quick answers or fixes. It's a daily process some days it's a minute by minute process. I thank God that I do have people that love and care for me even though some days it seems like I do everything possible to try and push them away. That's the way the illness works. If I didn't have people who loved and cared for me I would have already been dead because right now that's the only thing that gives me grounding. I'm sorry for the pain and discomfort all of this has caused. I'm trying that's all I can promise.

8-14-17 To be Ok

I had an interesting conversation with a guy younger than myself yesterday. He has similar issues. He said that feeling nothing being nothing is ok if that is an ok moment. You don't need to feel happy or content you just need to feel ok.I suppose he's right.Whatever I'm feeling is ok as long as I'm at peace and ok with it. I still have my mix of lethal drugs.It is to me what a blanket is to Linus.It gives me comfort and control. I exist because I choose to exist not because someone else allows me to. I have the power I have the control I decide my life. I'm ok with that. It's a neutral place to be. Nothing to fight no need for chaos. I can relax there's not any conflicts or threats.I don't need to create chaos just so I can feel something. I can just be ok with myself the way I am in this moment. Imperfect is ok. Nothingness is ok. Confused and Uncertain is ok.Everything is ok in this moment.

8-14-17 Monday Blues

Well, it's Monday. Time to go back to work. There are bills to pay and hungry mouths to feed. I only had one glass of wine.While I still enjoy the taste the craving is gone. If I want to get fucked up I have plenty of meds that do a faster and cheaper job so that's one less battle to fight one less thing to obsess about. I joined an online suicide forum and have had a couple of interesting conversations with other people like me. There's a lot of troubled people in this world. It's no wonder the drug problem is as bad as it is. People want to escape.I just want peace maybe they are the same thing or maybe not.You only escape from one matrix to another matrix so in the end what's the difference. Anyway, that's about it. Peace.