Thursday, August 17, 2017
No new earth shattering discoveries today. My therapist simply advised to tread carefully and stay out of the deep end of the pool. I don't go back until next month so I'm looking forward to taking a break from it all. I'm back into a depressive cycle and it's ok I'm used to being depressed. You just muddle through the day on autopilot. There's nothing to fight or care about you just exist. I might need to take something to sleep last night was a restless night and have been nodding off today which is ok unless your're driving at the time. That's about it. Peace
I waited until this morning to confirm my appointment with the therapist. I wasn't going to go I really don't want to go but it's become a part of my normal routine and it's important that I try to maintain normal as much as possible.It's judgement free except for my self-loathing and judgement. Today is another day no different from yesterday no different from tomorrow. I still wonder what the point of living is just too exist. Hope for a better brighter tomorrow, really? I think it a delusion built into our DNA. It keeps you getting up every morning and going through the daily motions but for what in the end. I always thought that quality of life is more important than quantity of life and I still do. I guess I'll carry on another day not for myself but for others around me. Peace
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
I received my statement of benefits paid from the insurance co today. They decided not to pay the $507.00 ambulance bill to CVMC. They said that it was unnecessary. Now first off I didn't call for an ambulance I didn't ask for an ambulance. It was kinda forced on me. I was given two choices I could voluntary go to the ER in the back of the ambulance or I could involuntary go to the ER handcuffed in the back of a patrol car. Which one would you choose? There are days when I would have put up a fight but that day wasn't one of them.Secondly if I had managed to put a bullet in my brain the ambulance ride would have been covered although I doubt it would have really been necessary. I agree that the ambulance was unnecessary but you're fucked either way. So United Healthcare I have two words for you. Fuck You. And I guess that Catawba Co EMS is fucked too because I'm not paying the bill I didn't authorize it and at the time I was mentally incapable of entering into any kind of legal contract. At least that's what the ER doctor and psychiatrist on duty decided. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Well, it's Wednesday I think. I slept until eight am this morning that's unusual.I have an appointment tomorrow with the therapist. I think I'm going to skip it this week. Self-examination and discovery are tiring and I'm just not in the mood this week. Sometimes you just have to take a break from yourself and chill with what you have. Is it really necessary to know everything about yourself?Be careful what you ask for you may not like what you find.Anyway here's to today and whatever life brings.Peace
Tuesday, August 15, 2017
Today has been an ok day. Not good or bad just ok. That's fine I can live with ok. I don't read the news feeds on Facebook anymore the issues are not my problem so why bother. I don't watch the climate change planet X videos any more either. If the world is going to end there's nothing I can do to stop it so who cares. Deborah is becoming quite the little pitbull at work chasing people down who disregard her commands. I don't worry if you're not disturbing my world then why bother. Things at home are ok I think Shirley is starting to understand that my craziness has nothing to do with her personally It's all on me and doesn't mean that I don't love her. As for me another day is history and I'm still breathing so all is well in my world. Peace,
Are There Any Painless Suicide Methods?
What About Pain Free Death?
You Need to Talk to Someone
Yesterday was a difficult day not because of how I felt but because it was confession time. I hadn't told Shirley the events of last week someone else did that for me yesterday. I knew when I got home last night I was going to have to face her feelings of hurt, anger, pain, sadness. How do you tell someone that you have been married to and loved for thirty-five years that you were going to try and kill yourself again? I read her some of my posts from last week this morning.When I was done she simply said," I don't know what to say." I've heard that before from others."There is no good reply sometimes. I don't know what to say." I get it I do.Most of the time I'm ok and I understand how those around me must be feeling. It breaks my heart to see the pain I'm causing them. But when the darkness takes over and I lose all feeling and ability to reason none of that matters.I don't know what to say either. I don't know how to explain it.
Monday, August 14, 2017
The events of last Friday don't surprise me. I was warned before I left the hospital that people who are hospitalized for a suicide attempt are subject to having another suicide attempt in the near future. Statistics show that to be true. What does surprise me was how soon and how quickly it occurred with little to no warning. They told me I needed to have a safety net in place just in case. In a way I did someone read my post that morning and figured out that I had gone off the deep end and called Shirley and let her know. Shirley called me at work unexpectedly and let me know that she knew that something was wrong. I promised her that I would come home that night and that prompted my brain back to reality. You become disconnected from everyone and everything. It doesn't matter that you have loved ones that love you because you can't connect to that fact. All you see is a tunnel of darkness that ends in death. You can have a group of people around you talking and you see and hear them talking but you can't process any of it. It's just meaningless noise .There are no easy or quick answers or fixes. It's a daily process some days it's a minute by minute process. I thank God that I do have people that love and care for me even though some days it seems like I do everything possible to try and push them away. That's the way the illness works. If I didn't have people who loved and cared for me I would have already been dead because right now that's the only thing that gives me grounding. I'm sorry for the pain and discomfort all of this has caused. I'm trying that's all I can promise.
I had an interesting conversation with a guy younger than myself yesterday. He has similar issues. He said that feeling nothing being nothing is ok if that is an ok moment. You don't need to feel happy or content you just need to feel ok.I suppose he's right.Whatever I'm feeling is ok as long as I'm at peace and ok with it. I still have my mix of lethal drugs.It is to me what a blanket is to Linus.It gives me comfort and control. I exist because I choose to exist not because someone else allows me to. I have the power I have the control I decide my life. I'm ok with that. It's a neutral place to be. Nothing to fight no need for chaos. I can relax there's not any conflicts or threats.I don't need to create chaos just so I can feel something. I can just be ok with myself the way I am in this moment. Imperfect is ok. Nothingness is ok. Confused and Uncertain is ok.Everything is ok in this moment.
Well, it's Monday. Time to go back to work. There are bills to pay and hungry mouths to feed. I only had one glass of wine.While I still enjoy the taste the craving is gone. If I want to get fucked up I have plenty of meds that do a faster and cheaper job so that's one less battle to fight one less thing to obsess about. I joined an online suicide forum and have had a couple of interesting conversations with other people like me. There's a lot of troubled people in this world. It's no wonder the drug problem is as bad as it is. People want to escape.I just want peace maybe they are the same thing or maybe not.You only escape from one matrix to another matrix so in the end what's the difference. Anyway, that's about it. Peace.