8-9-17 To Die or Not to Die

Yesterday I talked to my therapist about suicide. I watched the program on tv over the weekend about the young man and his girlfriend. The one had urged him on and listened to him dying on the phone and did nothing to help or prevent it from happening.I agree it takes a cold hearted person with their own mental issues to do something like that but is it really criminal. The truth is the young man was probably going to die at his own hands sooner or later no matter what. Some people kill themselves on an impulse. Others are plotters and planners. To them, death is more of a fantasy a game if you will. They imagine all the different ways and how it will feel physically, mentally, emotionally. It's the ultimate thrill game. Can I play with death and beat it.Either way, they win if they die well they didn't want to live anyway. If they live they get to play the game again. And then you have the sick twisted people that use it to make their loved ones and friends suffer. It's the final act of defiance to the world that has wronged them.They normally end up killing other people before killing themselves.There is no sense of personal wrong in their world. So we come to the million dollar question where do I fit in. Two attempts were impulse. The last was a cross between impulse and planned. The means and method and execution were pre-planned I just needed the impulse to make it happen. The impulse was an accumulated series of events that came to a conclusion.I really did just wake up one morning and say today is the day that I will die. There was no emotion no afterthought only resolution. If I had not reached out to a living human voice things would have turned out differently. She made me feel guilty and remorseful about what I was going to do to my family and loved ones. She asked me what my parents would think about it.How was my wife and daughter and grandsons going to react? Did I really want to do that to them?I didn't want to hurt anyone. The last thing I would want to do is dump unfounded grief or guilt on anyone. We know how the story ended this time. My therapist's question was Is it ever going to happen again?  

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