8-9-17 Manic State of Mind

In case you haven't already guessed I'm back in a Manic cycle and have been now for a couple of days. It's ok I don't mind being manic. I don't need to sleep, eat, or take meds. I just do a lot of thinking. I'm more creative my mind is clearer, sharper and more focused. I was thinking today about well lots of things but abuse was the latest. When children are abused they can grow up in two different ways.They can become abusers or they can stay in the pattern of abuse. Growing up I was afraid that I would become an abuser or a serial killer. Luckily I'm neither. Instead, I chose to continue the pattern of abuse. It's funny but for some reason, you miss the pain and humiliation and you crave it. It's like a drug that you need more of. I chose females to be my abusers.I sure there's some psychological reason behind my choice but it really doesn't matter. I found that professional abusers were the best dominatrix as they are referred to.There's actually dungeons that you can go to and pay people to inflict pain and suffering on you. I know it sick but I'm not normal. Anyway, I'll spare you the details of refined torture and just say that I enjoyed the pain. your endorphins kick in and it's really quite a high. It's also quite liberating to be able to scream at the top of your voice and not worry about the wrong people hearing you. I haven't been to a session in a long long time so how I have to rely on my memories when I feel the urge for self-punishment. I'm just thankful I didn't turn out the other way. I don't think that I could have lived with that.    

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