Friday, July 07, 2017

7-07-2017 Regrets of old

I do like this format so much better than Facebook. I can just talk freely here without worrying about other people's reactions. My doctor told me that I need to live in the here and now and after I confront the past I need to forget it. I think that's easier said than done. Also not to worry about what the future holds. I just wonder a lot about a lot of different things.
I love my daughter. She is my only biological child and I see myself in her eyes. I worry about what I may have passed down to her and her sons. I don't really know how to be a father. My Dad provided for us but I never received any emotional support from him. I never really knew how he felt about me because he never told me. Dana and I never had the chance to bond as Father and Daughter. That was my fault and I think she understands now why that didn't happen. I don't think that we will never have a parent-child relationship. Too many years have passed too many memories never made to make that possible. I am trying to include her and her family in my life and family activities. I don't really know how close she really wants to get to me or the rest of the Martinat family. I try to put myself in her place and how I would feel if the situation was reversed. I don't think I would have been able to be so forgiving. My problem is I can't forgive myself. How do you even start to undo years of being nothing to someone. I wonder if she ever hated me for leaving her mom and her. I hate myself for what I did and I probably always will. It makes me angry when I think of all the memories that I missed out on and my parents never got to know her or the boys. I wonder if she misses not having those memories with me also. I push too hard sometimes. I wonder if I have already pushed too hard too quickly. I'm glad all the ugly details of the past are now in the open. I kept all those feelings and emotions hidden for so many years. I do feel like a burden has been lifted but there is still an emptiness there and I'm not sure how to feel it up with something good. My birthday is on the 18th of this month I wanted to get the family together for a Hallmark moment but that was just a delusion. I don't know if I will do anything now to celebrate it. Maybe it will just go away. My doctor said that I run from or just ignore unpleasant things. He's right that's what I do. Is it really worth facing it. I don't know. I guess I'll continue to wonder.

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