Monday, July 10, 2017

7-10-17 Choices made

Tuesday morning. last night was a fractured sleep night. Sleep, awake, sleep, awake. I didn't take any of my meds yesterday. I hate the damn meds they make me feel funny and sleepy. That's one of the big problems with depression people won't take their meds. Anyway, tomorrow I go to the research clinic to be a test subject for a kidney disease drug. Back to work today.I hope the drive is going well for my daughter and Darren. I always hated the drive across TN it takes forever it seems. Well time to fix breakfast for everyone.
I haven't worked on the family tree anymore. At this point, I don't care if I ever work on it again.I think the kumbaya family moment is over and done.I must have upset my brother by pulling all of the old family skeletons out of the closet for everyone to see. I really don't give a damn I tired of caring all that crap around.I can't control what my family thinks or does only what I do and think. If they can't deal with it then the hell with them.
It's funny when I reunited with my daughter this year for the first time since she was a teenager I expected her to be upset and angry with me. I wanted her to yell at me, hit me or something. I expected her to tell me what a sorry excuse for a father I had been to her. Instead, she was kind, loving, forgiving and I felt so guilty and sorry for what I had done to her and her mother. It's been seven months and I'm still trying to make peace with myself.
That Saturday when I was sitting in the graveyard with the gun in my hand I wanted to pull the trigger. I cried to God and asked him to give me the strength and courage to do it. I couldn't do it. I thought about Shirley and Dana and the boys and how they would feel. I didn't want to make anyone feel guilty for something that I did so I picked up the phone and asked for help. Was it the right choice? I think so. I don't want to hurt the people I love. I was so tired and hadn't slept for days. I just sat around and cried for no reason at all. Sadness, darkness, emptiness you can only take so much and then something has to give.

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