7-08-17 Self Pity and memories

It's Saturday and I've got a lot to get done today. I slept fairly well last night. I'll start my Zoloft today and see how that goes.Well, grocery shopping is done. I hate shopping mom used to drag me around when she went shopping. I never really realized just how fucked up our family was until lately. The memories are slowly coming back to me. Mom and dad hardly ever spoke to one another. Mom paid all the bills and dad just worked. That's all he ever did. They slept in separate rooms and I never saw them show affection towards one another. I don't know how in the hell they ever managed to have two boys. The house was small so Dad and my brother slept in one room and Mom and I slept in the other room. I slept in the same bed as my Mom until I was around 12 yrs old. Shirley asked me years ago if my mother had ever done anything to me while I was growing up. Mom never did anything to me sexually. Shirley didn't know that I had been raped by a man at the age of 14. The word raped sounds like something polite and simple. Well, what is really means is that He fucked me in the ass until I was bleeding and he was satisfied.Nasty son of a bitch I grew to hate him and what he had done to me. It doesn't sound so politically correct and nice now does it?
I guess that's why  I'm sexually non-functional now. Growing up I would have horrible nightmares involving sex, torture, and murder. I would wake up and wonder if it had all been a dream or did I actually do those things. I thought I was losing my mind and that I was going to become a serial killer. Anyway, Mom would take me everywhere with her. I never did anything with Dad. My doctor told me that how you learn to cope with things at an early age is how you will cope throughout your life. No wonder I'm so fucked up. I can't blame it all on my parents I've done my share to develop my self-imposed hell on earth. The question is can I change direction now and salvage what is left of my life so that I can share my love and affection with my family. One day at a time right now it's one hour at a time. God, I hope it gets better.

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